Author: Ian Hunter

I retired from the energy business in 2014 and started writing poetry. At first I shared my writing with family and friends. Then I set myself a challenge to write a poem every day for a year. After meeting that goal I just kept going and started this blog in 2021. I hope you enjoy reading my poems. Remember happiness is just a state of mind and poetry is great nourishment.

Hamish and Dougle Part 4

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The limo pulled into a dimly lit warehouse

Vinny was sitting at a table surrounded by goons

Hamish and Dougle stood facing the table

They all wore oversize black suits and white ties

It was like a bad gangster B movie

Hamish was tempted to giggle at the sight 

Vinny growled where is the dozen haggis eggs?

Hamish reached into his underwear 

Placed two eggs on the table

Dougle reached under his kilt

A couple of haggis chicks dropped to the floor

Running around the warehouse 

Chased by gun toting goons

Vinny was furious

Dougle attempted to calm things

We have enough to start a breeding operation

You have six weeks to make it work yelled Vinny

Otherwise you will be sunk in the Hudson with a concrete overcoat

They were bundled into the back of a van 

Clutching a box with the eggs and the chicks

The van drove to the eastern shore

When they got out the van was parked next to a remote chicken house

They were pushed inside and greeted by the stench of chicken poop

Vinny told them they would be living inside here 24/7

Nobody will hear if you cry out inside this remote place

In the corner there were a couple of beds and a TV

Boxes of food and water on a table

Vinny led them to a section at the end that was partitioned

It was full of pipes vessels and barrels

Vinny told them they would be making bootleg scotch whisky 

In addition to raising the haggis chicks

Hamish and Dougle had no idea how to make whisky

But they pretended to be experts as they looked over the equipment

Vinny told them he would be back in a week to check on them

The door closed with a thud and was chained shut outside

Hamish and Dougle were now prisoners

The chicken poop was knee deep in places

The stench burned their nostrils

We really are in deep shit now said Dougle

These guys will kill us when we fail to make whisky and raise haggis chicks

Hamish was more optimistic and turned on the TV

I have an idea he said enthusiastically

Hamish and Dougle Part 3

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The drive to Glasgow International airport was uneventful

At the checkin they learned their flight was delayed

Hamish knew this would be a problem

Two extra drinking hours for Billy would end in trouble

Security was the next challenge to overcome

Billy got pulled aside when his carry on bag was scanned

Airport security found six bottles of single malt in his bag

He was pulled aside for a pat down body search

Gloved hands ran the length of his out stretched arms

Then up his legs and under his kilt

Bright yellow egg yolk started to run down his legs

Billy was led away by security

The rest of the commando squad got through security unscathed

They waited in the bar but Billy never showed up

Hamish was worried about the deal he had made back in New York

He had accepted a “loan” from a guy called Vinny 

Vinny was part of the New York mafia 

Hamish had promised Vinny that they would bring back a dozen haggis eggs

Now they were down to ten as they sat in the airport bar

Hamish had promised that he would bring back enough eggs to start a hatchery in the US

They will kill us if we don’t bring back a dozen eggs

Dougle was more optimistic and smiling

We are going to make a fortune he whispered to Hamish

Don’t count your haggis before they hatch said Hamish

The three remaining New Yorkers in the squad were drinking heavily

Somebody accused them of wearing their kilts backwards

A fight broke out with chairs and tables flying

Hamish and Dougle quickly stepped outside the bar 

Police rushed in to break up the fight

The New York squad were arrested and taken away

Hamish prayed that him and Dougle would make it back safely

They were now down to just four haggis eggs

The flight to New York was uneventful and they slept the entire way

Immigration was going to be the next challenge 

What’s the purpose of your visit? asked the female officer

Dougle smiled and said we are here on holiday

She looked him up and down and her eyes were drawn to his kilt

The front of his kilt was moving erratically

The haggis chicks were hatching in his underwear

The officer smiled at Dougle as his hands tried to subdue his bobbing crotch

Enjoy your vacation she said as she handed them their passports

Dougle limped outside the terminal alongside Hamish

They were met by four large men dressed in black

Hurridly pushed into the back of a big black limousine

Hamish froze when he heard the words

Vinny wants to see you

Hamish and Dougle- Part 2

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Hamish and Dougle led their commando group into the Scottish highlands

It was difficult to keep them focussed on the mission

Billy was the ringleader of the New York squad

He was more intent on drinking whisky

And chasing every Scottish girl in sight

Things calmed down when they got to the remote highlands

The low population density meant there were less encounters with females

Also Billy eventually ran out of whisky

Billy and his comrades  found it totally impossible to understand the highland accent

Hamish and Dougle had to translate everything for them

Especially when Billy attempted to buy whisky in a highland store

His request to buy a bottle of single malt

Was answered in a full blown highland accent

Whit tip ahh malt wad yer lack laddy?

Please translate that Hamish said Billy

Hamish decided it was time for the boys to sober up

She said we don’t sell whisky on Wednesdays

Billy looked disappointed and settled for a bottle of Iron Brew soda

It was time for the final briefing before the commando raid

Listen up now said Hamish we will start the raid at 6pm

That’s when all the workers have left and there is just one security guard

What exactly are we looking for? asked Billy

Dougle explained that wild Scottish haggis was hunted to near extinction

So secret hatcheries had been built to raise haggis chicks

Which were released into the wild to boost the population

The mission is to steal a dozen haggis eggs from the hatchery

Dougle and I will distract the security guard

Telling him we have an interview at the hatchery tomorrow

And that we want to learn some facts about the place

You guys will have five minutes to cut the wire fence around the back

And to steal a dozen haggis eggs

The plan worked like clockwork

They were all back at the hotel by 7pm

Billy was at the bar at 7.03pm

Hamish and Dougle kept the eggs warm with an electric blanket in their room 

The next morning the squad met up for another briefing

They were each given 2 eggs to keep warm for the flight back to New York

Just put them in your underwear said Hamish

They will stay warm and undetected by security

The airport body scanners will just think you are well endowed said Hamish

Billy looked worried about the plan 

When you told us we were all commandos in kilts

I thought you meant we had to go commando 

So I did not bring any underwear

Hamish gave Billy a spare pair and they headed for the airport

He turned to Dougle and whispered

It will be a miracle if we get back with any eggs intact

Hamish and Dougle – Part 1

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Hamish and Dougle were best friends

Since their first days in school in Glasgow

A couple of fine young Scotsmen

Proud of their Scottish heritage

Wearing kilts and drinking whisky daily

Employment was hard to find in Glasgow

They decided to seek their fortune in America

Stepping off the plane in New York

Walking down 5th Avenue in their kilts

They attracted a lot of attention

Had fun in the bars and  got into a few fights

Made lots of new friends

Hamish had the idea to open a Haggis restaurant

Until they discovered that Haggis was banned in the US

The FDA will not allow Haggis to be imported 

This is stupid said Dougle

Americans love Sottish whisky so why stop them eating Haggis?

Hamish had an idea

Lets find some investors and start a black market Haggis import business

We need a fund rising website declared Dougle

They founded the Scottish Haggis Investment Trust

Created the SHIT website to test the level of interest

Unfortunately their acronym turned out to be very unpopular

Virtually no hits to their website

We have to find a more catchy name said Dougle

After many single malts they agreed upon a new name for their website

Haggis On Toast Pure Original Recipes Nutritious

Their new website acronym HOT PORN got many more hits than SHIT

Soon they had lots of new friends with interests just like theirs

They raised a ton of money through crowd funding

The next step was to smuggle Haggis into the US

After a long drinking and brainstorming session

Hamish had another idea

We need to form a kilted commando squad

They started to interview potential recruits

Picking out the best four young New Yorkers who all liked to drink whisky

After a month of intense training on how to smuggle haggis from Scotland

Six kilted young men boarded a plane at JFK bound for Glasgow

They were all drunk when they got off the plane

Hamish and Dougle went through the UK resident line

See you guys on the other side said Dougle

The other four waited in the line for non-UK residents

What’s the purpose of your visit? asked the UK immigration officer

Drink Whisky and chase girls said one of the New York squad

Hamish and Dougle waited a very long time for the rest of their squad to clear immigration

Say Sorry

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Just say it

You know you should 

Sorry is easy to say

Don’t wait too long

A delayed sorry has less impact

A forced sorry is almost worthless

Be proactive and say sorry early

Even before you did any wrong

Get your sorry in first

Just say it

If you don’t say it

You’ll be sorry yourself

2023 FINN Gold Cup

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I watched the days’s events from our balcony 

Yachtsmen coming from all over the globe

The World championship for FINN class solo racers

Hosted by the Coconut Grove Sailing Club

Flags from every competitors’s nation flying proud

The sailing club was a hive of activity early in the day

Boats being prepared for today’s races

Sails and rigging being checked

Hulls wiped and polished

One by one down the launch ramp

Sails picking up the steady breeze

The flotilla weaved its way through the moorings 

A floating procession of solo FINN racers headed out into the bay

Soon they were on the course

Maneuvering into their starting formation

The first of two races of the day started

Sailing this class of yacht is physically very demanding

Those who read the wind best edged out front

A long line of identical sailboats in pursuit

All highly skilled and experienced FINN racers 

Skimming over Biscayne Bay

Bright colored sails decorating the deep blue waters

Such a beautiful sight

No roaring race engines

All powered by the wind

On a warm bright breezy day in January

I watched the races throughout the day

Boats returning late afternoon

One by one to the ramp and back on dry land

Hungry sailers lining up for a well deserved meal

Deep conversation reliving every racing incident

Winners being congratulated by all

Plenty of smiling faces

More racing to come the next day

May the winds be kind to them tomorrow

New design for Cheeky Monkey Poetry Website

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Greetings all you Cheeky Monkey readers. When we started this blog we had no idea how many poems would end up here. Our website designers Abby and Addison have done a complete overhaul to make it easier for you to find your favorite poem amongst the 500 plus here.

If you just want to receive the poem of the day, you can hit the subscribe button

The five most recent poems are listed by title

You can search for a poem by title, date, category or a key word

All the categories are listed, clicking on one will bring up the associated poems

Thank you for all your support and stay cheeky!

Sports can either keep you wide awake or put you to sleep

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I am an avid sports fan

Following sporting events on TV and occasionally in person

Big events like the Wold Cup are thrilling to watch

The best soccer players in the world performing spectacular moves

Combined with the passion of the fans supporting their own nation

Occasionally some David beats Goliath surprise results capture my attention

Every game starts with the uncertainty off who will score goals

Both sets of fans firmly believing that their team is going to win

Cheering and singing in anticipation of that victory celebration

The certainty of defeat for one team is only realized at the final whistle

One set of fans dancing and singing with their team in the joy of victory

While the defeated team and their supporters hold their heads in sorrow

Formula One motorsports is exciting in a different way

The drivers are not the only ones racing against each other

Its a team effort of designers, engineers, mechanics, statisticians and strategists

Who dares to keep their car right on the edge for two hours usually wins 

Those who try but make one small mistake often crash out and lose

Formula One attracts the glitz and glamor of an ultra rich entourage

Supermodels and movie stars parade around the paddock posing for the cameras

The mechanics work at lightening speed preparing the cars with an intense focus

Totally oblivious of the media and celebrity circus swarming around them

I also like to watch a game of cricket on an English village green

There are no supermodels or movie stars to be seen at all

No hoards of flag waiving and cheering fans

There might be just a few dozen spectators watching the game in deck chairs

Patiently waiting for the batsman to make a good hit or the bowler to strike the wicket

Polite applause follows a good stroke of the bat maybe every twenty minutes or so

Some spectators unashamedly doze off during the long periods of inactivity

Woken by the occasional applause they clap a few times before napping again

I wonder if they are dreaming about making a great shot with the cricket bat

Perhaps they are dreaming about scoring a winning goal in a football match

Or driving a  Formula One car at lightening speeds on the track

I feel blessed to constantly dream about all of them

To the bitter end

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I was taught from an early age to always be prepared

Keep your home well stocked

Never run out of toilet paper

Always have a few cold beers in the fridge

Keep the bar well stocked in case of unexpected guests

We tend to buy replacement liquor before the bottle gets empty

There is however one exception

Angostora bitters never run out so why bother buying a backup

The bottle has an oversize lable that completely covers the contents

Rumor has it the label was printed oversize in error

They decided to stick with it as a gimmick

I do not buy into that theory at all

I think the bottle contains a magic beetle 

That absorbs water from the air

And feeds on some tropical plant that grows in there too

The beetle secretes a bitter liquid

That’s why your bottle of bitters will never run out 

Yesterday we had guests and I made a Manhattan

I followed my usual recipe

Starting with one of those oversize ice cubes in a glass

I poured in some Bulleit Rye and Dollans red vermouth

Then I started to add 4 drops of Angostura bitters

But horror of horrors only three drops came out

I tried shaking and squeezing the bottle to no avail

For the first time in my life I witnessed the end of the bitters

Perhaps the magic beetle just died of old age

He had lived a long happy life inside that bottle

Providing bitters for me to share with friends and family

He did us proud

Right up to the bitter end

Waking at 3am

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He woke up at and looked at the clock seeing 3am

Tossing and turning while he desperately tried to drop off

His wife was fast asleep beside him

He glanced at the time again and it was 2.30am

Convinced he must have read the time wrong before 

He pulled out his phone to double check the exact time

It was 2.27am but he noticed something very strange

The displayed time was going backwards

Soon it was showing 2.15am and still going backwards

This must be a weird dream he concluded and he drifted off to sleep

When he woke up he could hear the TV blaring away

His wife was no longer in bed so he got up to investigate

She was in the lounge watching TV and drinking wine

Lets watch this show she urged so he joined her

She poured him a glass of wine too

It was now 11pm the day before and the time was still going backwards

After the show finished she told him to get dressed for dinner

They pulled up at the restaurant for a meal with friends

Nobody else seemed to be bothered about the time going backwards

They drank a lot during dinner before dashing home to change again

It was almost 6.30 pm and she told him to have a nice day at work

It felt strange starting his working day after a big boozy dinner

He drove to work and saw all of his usual co-workers

All performing their usual tasks as the day went backwards

Lunch was at the normal time full of small talk

Nobody was fazed that time was running backwards

They were all looking forward to going home at 9am

When he got home his wife was asleep in bed

He grabbed a quick breakfast and took a shower before joining her in bed

Hoping that everything would normal when he woke up

He soon fell asleep exhausted

Waking up again at 3am and noticing that time was still going backwards

This daily backward cycle just keep going and going for days, months and years

His past had become his future and he was reliving what he had already done before

Soon he was single again reliving his bachelor days before meeting his wife

Then he was back in school getting younger every day

He realized that his days left were minimal

Finally he approached his day of birth and woke up in his mother’s womb

A shrinking embryo that would soon not exist at all

At the moment of conception his entire life flashed before him