For those of you not familiar with parcopresis

It is one of those phobias that rarely gets discussed

Probably because its so personal

It is the fear of pooping in a public toilet

My own parcopresis can be traced back to my schooldays

There was constant bullying and playing tricks

Especially by the older boys on any boy’s first day at school

The teachers just pretended not to know

My school building was very old

The toilets were in a block outside 

Medieval plumbing with an open trough

Below the waste pipe of each toilet

This meant that water from the far end toilet flush

Would flow along and below all the other toilets

Giving the bullies an opportunity

To terrorize any new boy daring to go poop

For soon after he entered the stall and sat down

The bullies would start a flush from the end

And float a paper boat down that trough

Carrying flaming paper to every toilet

The poor unassuming young pooping boy

Had flames reaching up to his bare bum

His cries were met by the bullies laughter

Soon the entire school knew he had been flamed

Having witnessed that on my first day

I vowed never to poop at school

Praying that my body would bless me

With an early morning bowel movement at home

Most days my digestive rhythms obliged

On days where it did not I just held on

To this day I still try and ‘go’ every morning

It really is the best way to start the day