Category: birds

heron with an attitude

Ian HunterLeave a comment

my name is Harry and I am a great blue heron

I live in the marsh near Turville Creek

you might have seen me fishing there

or flying between my favorite spots to hang out

I remember growing up in the nest with my siblings

our parents brought us food every day

We would sing songs and play games in the nest

but when we got big we just got kicked out one day

We had to learn to fly around and catch our own food

now you might think that being a heron is a really cool life

but let me tell you that I face lots of daily challenges

survival in nature requires a lot of hard work and constant vigilance

we used to have this place all to ourselves 

but people started building houses all along the coastline

taking up more and more of our homeland

I am very scared of humans and fly away when they get close

when fishing I have to stand very still in the water 

its so hard to keep focussed on catching a fish 

my mind keeps wandering off and I think about finding a mate and having chicks

then a fish swims by and I am too slow to catch him

the other day I saw this really pretty girl heron 

she flew into the pool near me and started preening her feathers to attract me

I pretended not to notice her and with massive concentration caught a huge fish

I held it in my beak for her to see and she came close

she looked at me with those big beautiful hungry eyes

I gave her the fish and said you can have it hoping it would lead to sex

she just took it and flew off without even a kiss or a thank you 

I caught no more fish that day and went to sleep hungry

the next day I got chased off the water by those bald eagle thugs

then that girl heron showed up again and wanted to get all friendly

I was not interested in her teasing game so I said to her “bugger off and find your own dinner!”

I am the tall lanky lonely horny hungry sex starved great blue heron with an attitude

MFGA

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a large flock of Canada geese flew over my house

formation flying like military jets

such gracious big airborne creatures

they filled me with awe for a brief moment

until one of them pooped all over my car

so I did some research on goose digestive systems

apparently they poop every 12 minutes

pooping out typically two pounds per day

a flock of fifty produces a hundred pounds of poop a day

worse still their poop is full of nasty bacteria and parasites

a real health hazard in an area where children play daily

these geese no longer look cute in the field next to my home

they are a federally protected species

however it is legal to harass them into leaving the area

I tried verbally abusing them but they ignored me

they did not respond to my eviction notices

I need to turn up the heat on these pests

I will shame them with long savage rambling tweets

I will give them names like Fat Bertha and Pooping Percy

I will invent stories about their corruption and criminal activities

I will incite people to rise up against these illegal immigrants

I will demand that the FBI arrest them and throw them in  jail

I will blame Canada for the problem

I will build a big tall wall on the Canadian border to stop them crossing

I will make the Canadians pay for it

Making the Field (next to my house) Great Again

Failed construction

Ian HunterLeave a comment

we are fortunate to live on a bay teeming with wild birds

herons stealthily strut the marsh edges looking for food

spending hours motionless before striking at their prey

swallowing fish whole is their speciality cabaret show

ducks are the little soldiers on the bay parade ground

swimmingly along in formation to the quack of their drill sergeant

geese fly by our home in a perfect V formation

an avian airshow with silent motors and pooping exhausts 

bald eagles nest somewhere nearby

majestically perched in high trees surveying the water

this king of the raptors is a hells angel on wings

nobody messes with this flying Harley Davidson

ospreys build nests on structures in the water

every channel marker adorned with masses of twigs

platforms have been built specially for them

but the one nearest our home is in very bad shape

wrecked in a storm the pole is precariously leaning 

only a single plank remains of the nesting platform

every year a pair of ospreys tries to build here

no pre-purchase surveys in the nesting bird real estate market

a finished osprey nest is probably too heavy for this leaning tower

it would be a tragedy if their completed nest collapsed with young inside

we watch the homebuilding ospreys spending days gathering twigs

gliding back for assembly on that narrow single plank

frequently their building material rolls into the water

they keep coming back and somehow start to weave them together

but then it all slides off the sloping plank when the wind blows strong

they sit on their now bare perch wings folded and dejected

the female saying to her mate “I told you it would not work here”

as he flies off in search of more twigs to prove her wrong

they usually give up after three or four weeks

I wonder where they go after their failed construction 

maybe they give up altogether on homebuilding

perhaps falling into the clutches of slum nest rental landlords

I did think about adding some more planks to the damaged platform

I took a kayak right up close because its very shallow around that pole

but once I saw how badly damaged that pole was

I decided not to intervene

leave it all to nature

Please forgive me Mr. Woodpecker

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Photo by Dave Clarke on Pexels.com

the large pine tree at the side of our house died a while ago

it was very old and died a natural death

I watched the leaves falling

then the smaller branches started to snap off in the wind

the birds liked to perch in that tree

a tall vantage point overlooking the marsh

woodpeckers hammered away at the trunk looking for food

ospreys plucked off small branches for their nest building

eventually it was going to weaken and topple in a high wind

it was leaning towards the house

to prevent property damage it had to be cut down

a short buzz of a chainsaw and it crashed away from the house

it was so sad to see it fall 

cut up and fed into a wood chipper

today its just a big empty space

I miss seeing the birds

I miss looking at that tree

the side of our house looks naked now

all those years of growing skyward 

giving shelter and food to animals

providing welcome shade to our home on hot summer afternoons

suddenly ending in a ceremonial pile of mulch

please forgive me Mr. Woodpecker

time to plant a new tree

paddling out of formation

Ian Hunter1 Comment

Not quite a perfect formation

the sixth placed girl strayed out of line

She sets her own course, strays from the herd

She beats to a different drum and proudly proclaims her individuality

She is called Karen

I can hear the other birds calling her back

Hey Karen, get back in line please

begging her to complete the formation

she smiles, exuberayting such grace and poise 

as she says “fuck off”

The queen of the bird catwalk

Ian Hunter2 Comments

Snowy egret with feathers flowing 

The best dressed bird on the lake

Always turned out well

In your designer costume

The herons must shop at Walmart 

Drab colors and badly fitting coat

The osprey shops at REI

Sporting an athletic high diving suit

The owl is always well dressed

Never a feather out of place

Scruffy seagulls swarm into town

Food stained well worn outfits

Eagles swoop low in black tie suits

With perfectly pressed lily white shirts

Starlings were at the end of the line

When suits and dresses were assigned

They got the oil stained mechanic’s coveralls

Doves show off their fake fur coats

The other birds totally ignore them

Woodpeckers wear their sports coats so well

Hair dyed bright red is their fashion

But nothing can beat the egret

She is the queen of the bird catwalk

Invasion of the “plants of another color” Part 5 Finale

Ian Hunter2 Comments

The savage murder of the houseplants was a huge blow to our integration plans

I had to act fast to keep everything on track

I asked Cos to investigate who was responsible and find out what was known in the garden

He quickly reported that the garden had not been eavesdropping on our therapy sessions

They had no idea what we were planning to do

The fact that we were inside the house for so long had aroused suspicion

A terrorist squad from the plants of another color seized the opportunity to create fear and division

I assembled all the plants for a group discussion

Although grieving over the attack, we were all resolute on never giving in to terrorists

We decided to plant the firewall immediately, it would take a week or so to be fully effective

In the meantime, I set up a filtration camp in the potting shed

All plants would pass through there for processing

Those deemed to be radicalized would be kept in the potting shed for de-programming

The rest would be told of our integration plan and given a choice

They could either sign our integration pledge and live happily in the garden with all the other plants

Or they would be composted

Not surprisingly they all signed the pledge and I started to change the garden

The flower beds were no longer mulched or trimmed

I stopped cutting the lawn

After a few weeks, it all started to take shape

The firewall was working and keeping data from the terrorists outside

There were only a handful of diehard radicals locked up and guarded in the potting shed

Cos felt safe enough to leave the house and be planted outside again

Over time, a beautiful wild natural garden flourished

All the plants were respectful and helped each other grow

Everybody was happy and I enjoyed chatting with them outside every day

The bees were so grateful for all the flowers to visit, I got to know them so well

The butterflies came in droves adding more color to the garden

The birds were delirious to have places to eat, sleep and play

They started to disperse seeds and cuttings to other gardens nearby

Then out of the blue, I got an official letter from the Home Owners Association

Your flower beds and lawns do not conform to the bylaws

You are requested to mow the lawn and clear out all weeds from the flower beds

Failure to comply with the HOA rules for landscaping within 15 days will incur a fixed penalty fine

If you incur a fine and it’s not paid within 7 days, the Association will put a lien against your property

Please sign the enclosed acknowledgment form agreeing to conform to the bylaws

I tore up the letter, poured myself a beer, and hung out in the garden with my plant buddies

I am in jolly old England

Ian Hunter2 Comments

I woke up early on this Sunday morning

It is almost the end of May

Clear blue skies over the English countryside

The sun is rising over the Downs

Casting long shadows over the English garden patio

The vegetable garden is basking in the warm English sunshine

Growing season is upon us

You can almost see the leaves expanding

Birds line up at the bird feeders

Grateful for their free English breakfast

Birdsongs fill the air

Doves are gently cooing

Others chirping and tweeting

While most folks are still sleeping

Tall hedgerows border the very English manicured lawns

Providing a welcome home for English wildlife

Flowering plants and shrubs abound

The quintessential English country garden

Painted around a beautiful English country house

Close to a small English village

With a typical English village green

Where white clothed English gentlemen

Play the English game of cricket

On sunny English afternoons

The sound of leather hitting willow

Followed by civilized English applause

From the warm-beer sipping English spectators

Brings back fond memories

I am in jolly old England

How fast is the heartbeat of a giant woodpecker

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At last I found some time to sit down and write today

Transmit my thoughts into my daily poem

It was hard to concentrate

Due to the construction work outside the condo

Drilling and hammering

Workers dangling from the high rise roof on cradles

Those steel suspension cables look ever so thin

The construction workers do not seem worried at all

Strung up so high in the wind and rain

Jack hammering away at the concrete walls

Like giant woodpeckers

Searching for hidden grubs

Concrete dust clouds rolled by my tightly closed window

I grabbed the Bose headphones

They cut out almost all the construction noice

Peace at last

Well not quite

There was a steady distant thumping in my ears

Slow and rhythmical

That cannot be a construction woodpecker

It suddenly dawned on me

It was my own heartbeat

Presumably amplified by the Bose headphones

I closed my eyes to listen closely

With a few deep breaths

And some concentrated bio feedback

I was able to slow down my heartbeat

I checked my resting pulse

It was a steady 56 bmp

These headphones are great for a relaxing meditation

Even in the middle of all this contstruction mayhem

But suddenly my ears exploded

Rock music was blasting away

The headphones had somehow connected to Spotify on my phone

My heart rate jumped to racy 96 bpm

Led Zeppelin was however quite entertaining

Bringing back memories of my head banging youth

And it totally drowned out the giant woodpeckers outside

So I left the music on loud

Meditation time was over

Rock on

Slow heartbeats are for stoned hippies

I wonder how fast is the heartbeat of a giant woodpecker

I forgive you

Ian HunterLeave a comment

It was almost midnight on a dark October night

The leaves were beginning to turn and it was cool but with still air

Dark silence was broken by an owl hooting

I stepped outside to listen

He seemed to be in the nearest big tree

It was too dark to see him

A second owl further away was answering his call

I listened intensely for about twenty minutes

I recorded the sounds on my phone

A quick search online revealed a guide to owl sounds on youtube

I was able to compare the sounds and identify them as great horned owls

Unfortunately I could not tell what they are saying

I wonder how long it will be before somebody develops an App for that

One that translates animal sounds into human language

Imagine the joy of talking to your pet dog

Listening to his barking thoughts

Maybe he could teach you new tricks

Like how to identify things by smell

You could ask him to perform clever tricks

Like fetching you a cold beer from the fridge

If I had that App today

I would tell the owl how sorry I was

For all the trees being cut down for housing developments

I would tell the owl I am sorry for all the pollution

Sorry for all the pesticides that disrupt the animal food chain

I wonder what the owl would have to say in return

Hoot hoot….hoot hoot

Hopefully that means “its OK I forgive you”