Are you a ceiling fan fan

Be honest, this is not pretty

For many years I was never a big fan of ceiling fans

They are virtually non-existent in the UK where I grew up

But we never had warm humid summers there anyway

In fact we had no air conditioning in our homes

English houses are mostly built from brick or stone and they stay cool even in summer

My first experience of ceiling fan living was when I moved to the suburbs of New York in 2001

It was a big rambling brick built house with a central air system providing both heating and cooling

Every room had a big ugly ceiling fan with a chain pull switch

At first I thought these were legacy items from a time when the house had no air conditioning

But once the peak of summer arrived I soon discovered that the cool air from the AC mostly sank down into the basement

The top floor bedrooms became hot and stuffy and it was essential to sleep with the ceiling fan on

Over time I became accustomed to sleeping with a mild breeze blowing on me

I even kept the ceiling fan running through the winter

But I hated the look of those ugly fans with a vengeance

Fast forward to 2023 and a move into a modern US home built only two years ago

Today’s standards require homes to be super leak tight eliminating all sources of draughts

This means that a forced air heating and cooling system can keep every room comfortable with no need for ceiling fans

Shock and horror set in as I stared up at the blank bedroom ceiling

No comforting hum from the fan motor

No gentle breeze flowing over me

No hypnotic spinning blades to mesmerize me into deep slumber

I called an electrician to see if he could install a fan

He confirmed that the house was not even pre-wired with ceiling fan boxes

But it would be a relatively simple install because of the attic access above the bedroom

The next step was to order the fan and I discovered a whole new world

Modern fans do not need chain pulls and many have a remote control

You do not have to suspend and ugly contraption from your ceiling with hideous wicker woven blades

I opted for an aviator model that looks identical to a plane propellor

It was soon installed and operating

So now my life is complete

I live in a modern house with a super cool looking cooling ceiling fan

I wake up looking at the front of the plane that crashed through the roof during the night

I am now a fully converted ceiling fan fan

The aviator fan

Appliance reliance

we are surrounded by gadgets and machines in the modern world

gone are the days of wind up alarm clocks with clanging bells

today you can be gently roused from slumber by soft music from your Alexa device

or your smartphone will play an infinite array of sleep interrupting sounds

are we just too lazy to clean our teeth with a traditional brush

or does that electronic vibrating toothbrush do a better job

if you have no time to floss use a water jet flossing device

ditch the shaving cream and turn on your electric razor

throw your dirty laundry into the washing machine

it does all the hard work at the press of a button

if your shirt looks wrinkled the dryer will freshen it up

nobody bothers to iron anything anymore

cooking breakfast used to be an activity in itself

today you can do it all with one finger

press a button to start the coffee machine

drop your bread in the toaster and heat your oatmeal the microwave

do you remember morning newspapers delivered to your door

breakfast time silence was so sweet while you read the newspaper

today Alexa will read you the news by voice command

maybe you prefer to hit the TV remote while you wait for the toast to pop up

don’t expect anybody to write you a letter with their news

your laptop keyboard buttons obediently bring you email instagram and facebook 

text your spouse that shopping list rather than writing a note on paper

don’t be late by washing those dishes its much faster to press the dishwasher on button

if its cold outside you can press a button to warm up your car remotely

did you remember to lock the front door today

your smart lock app on your phone will confirm all is secure

do you miss that dial to scan the airwaves on your car radio

the worried elderly wife paced the hospital waiting room

a doctor came in with bad news written all over his face

I am sorry but there is nothing more we can do for your husband

his fingers are all worn out from a lifetime of pressing buttons