when you have a big task ahead do you first make a list
a shopping list for the grocery store
a packing list before a vacation
listing the steps of a major project
a wedding gift list
the list is endless
when I start a new list I am always intensely excited
I visualize myself steadily advancing the new project
the blank page soon fills up as my list grows
recording each step along the way as a new item on the list
then my emotions change to guilt
why am I writing a list rather than actually doing the work
I reluctantly leave the list to start doing the job
I soon get weary and look for an excuse to escape
discovering a task that I forgot to put on the list
its the perfect reason to be back in list land
I am so comfortable updating my list in cosy list land
I try to convince myself that the job is still progressing
I spend longer periods working and less time on the list
the job progresses but my list feels neglected
I start to ignore the list and do tasks not even listed
my list feels rejected and cheated
in a fit of remorse I later add the missing tasks to the list
then immediately mark them as completed
keeping my list happy becomes just as important as doing the job
then I hit a big snag on the job and I get very frustrated
an important step has been overlooked
the job snarls at me saying do not blame me
its your fault for not putting it on the list
my least claims innocence saying its my responsibility to update the list
my list and the job refuse to speak to each other
I finish the job in silence without updating the list
I convince myself I never needed the list anyway
it was just a distraction to keep me from actually working
I tear up the unfinished list in disgust
then I make a list of all the pending jobs that must be done without a list