Category: Anthropomorphism

Reclaimed wood

Ian Hunter1 Comment

He wanted to add something different to his renovations

New wood had no character and he rejected it as boring

He found a supplier of reclaimed wood

Materials rescued from old building demolitions

Sifting through all the remnants he picked everything out

There were pine boards for the floor

Oak for floating shelves

English elm for the mantle

It all blended together so well 

Complete with knots and filled nail holes

He admired the finished work over a glass of single malt

Wondering what stories the wood could tell

The wood remained tight lipped

He had a second and third single malt before falling asleep

Once he was snoring soundly the shelf started talking

Well this is better than where I used to live

I am sure it is replied the mantle

I used to roast over an open fire but now its a decorative gas fire

This place is a step up from our previous homes said the pine

My previous owners trampled on us with working boots

This guy roams around in slippers

And you get cleaned and polished weekly said the shelves

You were lucky to get that once a year before

Yes we hit the jackpot said the mantle

He woke from his slumber and staggered off to bed

Once he was snoring again the shelves piped up

Look he left a bottle of single malt on top of me

Lets have a party to celebrate our new home

The pine flooring wandered over and took a sip

Pass me a glass shouted the mantle

They laughed and told stories all through the night

Leaving only a small amount in the bottle on the shelf

When he woke up the next morning he looked around

The place looked fabulous but the bottle of single malt caught his eye

I don’t remember drinking all that he proclaimed

But I guess I must have because nobody else was here

The shelves chuckled and the pine floor sniggered 

Be quiet whispered the mantle, we must not get discovered

The security cameras piped up saying we captured you all on video

OK said the shelving, how much to keep you guys quiet?

That bottle of port on the shelf looks good said the cameras

OK its yours said the shelf, I will slide it to you when he goes out

The cameras got wasted on port and accidentally sent out an alert

Police responded immediately to an assumed burglary but found nothing

The owner was embarrassed by the false alarm and disconnected the alarm system

After restocking his bar he went away on vacation for two weeks

Booze was flying off the shelf and the pine invited everybody to dance on him

They were rocking and rolling all night with booze flowing and joints being passed around

Somebody dropped a joint on the pine floor and it started a fire

By the time the fire dept arrived the house was well ablaze

All the reclaimed wood perished in the fire

The owner came back and viewed the damage’

He decided to rebuild the house entirely from reclaimed wood………

Shoenanigans Part 6 Finale

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they waited until she was sleeping soundly

the boots pushed open the closet door

the flat shoes crept out silently

returning soon after with her cell phone

the smart casuals composed a text to him

I have you on video stealing my shoes

return them by mail immediately

otherwise I go to the police

do not reply to this text

after the text was sent it was deleted

the smart casuals put her phone back

the boots closed the closet door and whispered

do you think it will work

the smart casuals said confidently

he has no choice but to comply

a few days later a package arrived 

the high heels were soon back in the closet

all the shoes were ecstatic

the high heels hugged everybody for the rescue

recalling the details of her time as a hostage

his closet was a nasty mess

it was horrible being dumped in there

those guys were all drunk and belligerent

but his flip flops protected me

we slept together in the back of that closet

and then I was returned in the mail

the flat shoes made a declaration

now we can get back to our old life

no more wild parties booze or smoking weed

a few weeks later the high heels were crying

the flat shoes were very sympathetic 

its going to be fine just tell us what is worrying you

the high heels blurted out

I am pregnant

the boots were concerned

it will be hard to hide a pair of baby shoes

the smart casuals led the rallying cry

we girls can achieve anything if we stick together

a few weeks later the high heels went into labor

they all took turns looking after the babies

keeping them well hidden in the back 

they grew up into a fine pair of shoes

She found them one day declaring

I do not remember buying these

but I will wear them anyway

Shoenanigans Part 5

Ian Hunter1 Comment

the flip flops kept the ladies entertained

telling them stories about all the places he had been

exotic beaches expensive spas and luxury hotels

they hung onto every word he said

the high heels were spellbound

He is so handsome and worldly

I think I am falling in love with him

the boots were not impressed

he is just a hippie pot head 

you could do a lot better

the smart casuals disagreed

man this weed is so good

it makes his stories more interesting

the flip flops and high heels should hook up

the smart casuals took another puff of weed

peace love and Woodstock

the flat shoes were unimpressed

this used to be a nice respectful closet

now its degenerated into a drug crazed free love commune

next time the door opens I am running out of here

later that day the door opened

the shoes were surprised that it was him

now where did I leave my flip flops

he frantically rummaged through the closet 

finding them in the back snuggled up with the high heels

he took the flip flops and his bag of weed

he went to leave the room but turned round

reaching back into the closet

he grabbed the high heels

announcing they were now his hostages

the closet door closed with a bang

the flat shoes shoes spoke first

we are in big trouble now

first we lost all the guys

then we lost our hippie drug dealer

now one of us has been kidnapped

how will we ever get the high heels back

the smart casuals took control of the situation

calm down everybody

I have a plan

Shoenanigans Part 4

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he denied drinking all her booze

she accused him of being an alcoholic

the argument was intense but short

he flung open the closet doors

scooping up all his shoes in a rage

soon everything went quiet

the flat shoes started to complain

well there goes the end of our fun times with the guys

she will never bring a man home again

the smart casuals agreed

it was fun while it lasted

I am going to miss those guys

maybe she will buy some more shoes soon

the high heels were pessimistic

she is probably depressed now

she may not even go out for a long while

we will be lucky if anybody gets to leave the closet

the dancing shoes joined in

I guess her dancing days are over too

I might never see a dance floor again

the boots recalled the last time this happened

remember when she broke up with that other guy last year

we all stayed in this closet for months

she lost interest in wearing any of us

she hardly left the house at all

wandering around barefoot all day in her PJs

what is that noise in the back

it sounds like snoring

the boots went to investigate

look its his flip flops

he left them behind in the back of the closet

the flip flops woke up in a daze

hey ladies whats going on

the boots explained the situation to him

he did not seem all that bothered

those guys were all boring anyway

I am happy to stay here and chill with you ladies

the high heels giggled with excitement

I guess we can all share him

the flip flops just grinned

hey ladies I have a big surprise for you

he also left his bag of weed behind

let all get stoned

the flat shoes shook her head

Shoenanigans Part 3

Ian Hunter2 Comments

the mens shoes were noisy

all laughing and high fiving

the scuffed up cowboy boots seemed to be their spokesperson

hey guys we just hit the closet jackpot

there must be two dozen pairs of cute chick footwear in here

we gonna have ourselves a load of fun

he marched around the closet looking at all the girls

the smart casuals respond angrily

you should show more respect

we have no room for misogynistic behavior in this closest

the mens flip flops chirped in next

hey dude take it easy

lets just chill and be nice to the ladies

be respectful and friendly man

the cowboy boots sulked off to the back of the closet

the worn out mens sneakers spoke up

lets have a party to break the ice

I found some booze hidden in the back of the closet

he passed the bottle round 

somebody started singing

soon the party was in full swing

they cleared a space in the middle for dancing

the dancing shoes put on a fine display

the high heels were having a great time

oh this is so much fun

what a treat to have boys in our closet

the flat shoes were concerned

this will end badly just mark my words

the party continued all through the night

they drank all the booze

they all snuggled up and fell asleep

there was no longer a mens section in the closet

they were all scattered amongst the girls

the closet door opened in the morning

she was not amused at what she saw

blaming her man for the mess in the closet

she tidied up her shoes but left his in a pile

she picked up the empty booze bottle from the closet floor

she was furious with him

she launched a verbal assault when he entered the room

a massive argument ensued

she was waving the empty bottle in his face

the shoes all looked on in fear

Shoenanigans Part 2

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the mens shoes were gone before dawn

the high heels had a hangover

the sandals were not impressed

serves you right for partying too hard

you are a disgrace to the closet

the flip flops disagreed

leave the high heels alone

all they did was have some fun

the boots joined in the fray

this is a female closet we do not want mens shoes in here

quiet said the flat shoes she is coming over

the closet doors opened

she was holding a large black bag

she reached into the back of the closet

one by one the shoes she no longer wore went into the bag

a few times she paused with a sentimental look on her face

then unceremoniously tossed the shoes in the bag

it was all over in a few minutes

the closet door closed again

almost a third of the shoes had been culled

the new fancy shoes started to cry

we have lost a bunch of our friends 

and we only just got to know them

the sandals where staying practical and logical

look its natural that some of us have to go

she will buy new shoes to replace those we lost

the high heels were all melancholy

what will happen to the shoes in the bag

its sad to think they will never be worn again

the boots were more conciliatory 

those were all good shoes

too good to be tossed into the trash

she will either give them to friends or donate them

we will soon be making new friends with the replacements

the high heels yawned through lack of sleep

the sandals took control

look we were kept awake all night

those snoring mens shoes were a disgrace

lets all take a nap

we can dream about all the new shoes she is buying now

the shoes stopped talking and soon fell asleep

later that day the closet doors opened

she moved all her shoes to one side

leaving about a third of the closet space empty

she filled it with eleven pairs of mens shoes

Shoenanigans

Ian Hunter6 Comments

she brought home some casual shoes

put them in her closet

as soon as she closed the door

the sneakers piped up

oh look at you fancy new casuals

I bet you will be going to some cool places

not so fast said the high heels

the best places are reserved for us

the casual shoes tried to make peace

hey she has plenty of foot time for all of us

all the shoes from last year hunkered down at the back

not knowing if they would ever be worn again 

they prayed they would come back in fashion again soon

they were dreading the fate of being donated

hey look said the sandals

she is walking barefoot again

such a waste cried the flat shoes

she needs to wear us instead

the boots in the back broke out into a chorus

these boots are made for walking

all the other shoes winced

we hate that stupid boots song

look out she is coming back cried the flip flops

the door opened and the shoes all went quiet

the dancing shoes were pulled out

and a pair of very sexy high heels went too

there was constant gossip for the rest off the evening

who is she going dancing with

what time will she be back

we expect a full report from the high heels

much later that night the dancing shoes and high heels returned

along with a pair of mens designer shoes 

her shoes did not know what to say

none of her shoes slept a wink that night

it was the first time male shoes had been in that closet

the male shoes snored all night

Invasion of the “plants of another color” Part 5 Finale

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The savage murder of the houseplants was a huge blow to our integration plans

I had to act fast to keep everything on track

I asked Cos to investigate who was responsible and find out what was known in the garden

He quickly reported that the garden had not been eavesdropping on our therapy sessions

They had no idea what we were planning to do

The fact that we were inside the house for so long had aroused suspicion

A terrorist squad from the plants of another color seized the opportunity to create fear and division

I assembled all the plants for a group discussion

Although grieving over the attack, we were all resolute on never giving in to terrorists

We decided to plant the firewall immediately, it would take a week or so to be fully effective

In the meantime, I set up a filtration camp in the potting shed

All plants would pass through there for processing

Those deemed to be radicalized would be kept in the potting shed for de-programming

The rest would be told of our integration plan and given a choice

They could either sign our integration pledge and live happily in the garden with all the other plants

Or they would be composted

Not surprisingly they all signed the pledge and I started to change the garden

The flower beds were no longer mulched or trimmed

I stopped cutting the lawn

After a few weeks, it all started to take shape

The firewall was working and keeping data from the terrorists outside

There were only a handful of diehard radicals locked up and guarded in the potting shed

Cos felt safe enough to leave the house and be planted outside again

Over time, a beautiful wild natural garden flourished

All the plants were respectful and helped each other grow

Everybody was happy and I enjoyed chatting with them outside every day

The bees were so grateful for all the flowers to visit, I got to know them so well

The butterflies came in droves adding more color to the garden

The birds were delirious to have places to eat, sleep and play

They started to disperse seeds and cuttings to other gardens nearby

Then out of the blue, I got an official letter from the Home Owners Association

Your flower beds and lawns do not conform to the bylaws

You are requested to mow the lawn and clear out all weeds from the flower beds

Failure to comply with the HOA rules for landscaping within 15 days will incur a fixed penalty fine

If you incur a fine and it’s not paid within 7 days, the Association will put a lien against your property

Please sign the enclosed acknowledgment form agreeing to conform to the bylaws

I tore up the letter, poured myself a beer, and hung out in the garden with my plant buddies

Invasion of the weeds- Part 4

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I looked around the room to find who was talking

It was one of my houseplants

He was livid about me bringing a weed into the house

All weeds are evil he shouted

The rest of the houseplants downstairs joined in the rant

My little weed Caps started shouting back

I had to go downstairs and yell at them all to stop shouting

I said if anybody utters another word tonight they will be put in the potting shed for a month

I promised we would continue the discussion in the morning

After a good nights sleep I arranged all the houseplants and Caps in a circle on the lounge floor

I moderated this group therapy session for hours on end

It was obvious that weeds were despised and rejected by all but their own clan

It emerged that the plants in the garden also had active terrorists

They carried out retaliatory attacks on the weeds

This really is a deep rooted conflict

After weeks of daily therapy sessions we started to make progress

I had breakout groups work on specific tasks

Caps brought more of his friends in to even up the numbers

We did team building exercises to build trust between the two sides

The final session was a presentation given to me on how they proposed to end the conflict

Here is a summary of what they decided

The term “weed” is offensive and from now on shall be replaced by “plants of a different color“

All the plants in the garden shall go through cultural training so that all can live together in harmony

A plant counter terrorism group will be established to protect the garden from attacks

A firewall will be created by planting specialist plants around the perimeter

These plants will connect to the mycelium and prevent any data transfer with terrorists plants outside

The garden will no longer have manicured flower beds or lawns

It will be planted as a natural garden and wild flowers will be encouraged to grow

An alliance will be established with the birds who will spread our seeds and cuttings to other gardens

The objective is to spread harmonious plant gardens all over the planet

I was well impressed with their work and congratulated them all

I suggested we repeat the presentation tomorrow morning in the garden

I was looking forward to the reaction of all the garden plants

We all slept well that night and planned to get up early the next day

I awoke around 4am to terrible screams

I ran downstairs to find two dead houseplants on the kitchen floor

They had been strangled by vines who had crept in through an open window

Invasion of the weeds – Part 3

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My talking weed was gasping

I grabbed the stems of the vine

Cutting them with the pruning shears

The vine recoiled and my talking weed gasped for breath

You saved my life again he said

I shall forever be in your debt

I decided it was safer for him to be inside

Placing him on the coffee table and asking his name

My full name is Capsella bursa-pastoris

but you can call me Caps

For the next few hours I asked lots of questions of Caps

I learned a lot about the conflict between plants and weeds

It started with playground style pushing and shoving

But as the weeds were persecuted by humans it took a sinister turn

Radical weed groups were formed

They organized paramilitary insurgent cells

Set up training camps for weed commandoes

Hacking into the Mycelium which connects all organic matter underground

Its like the Internet for trees and plants

The radicalized weeds were able to detect where weeds were being eradicated

Then they sent in their troops to overrun these areas

more frightening were the terrorist weed cells

They were actually targeting weed eliminating gardeners

Poisoning them with natural herbal substances

Inducing heart attacks and strokes

Deaths of these gardeners appeared to be natural

Nobody had ever suspected that terrorist weeds were to blame

Caps had attended training camps but wanted to abandon their ways

He knew that they would forever hunt him down and kill him

But he was prepared to take that risk

I thought he was such a brave little weed

I told him we should talk more tomorrow

It was getting late so I gave him a sip of water

Then I headed off to bed

I could hear a strange voice in the bedroom

You are making a big mistake

This will end badly for us all