Month: February 2023

Hamish and Dougle Part 6

Ian Hunter1 Comment

The haggis chicks made a dart for freedom towards the open door

Surprising the intruder who stepped back outside

Hamish and Dougle remained primed for attack inside

Their hearts beating faster and their palms sweating

A familiar voice yelled from outside

Are you in there Hamish and Dougle?

Hamish dropped his weapon and replied

Yes Billy its us as he rushed out to greet him

How did you find us out here?

Oh it was easy said Billy I just followed Vinny and his goons

Rumor on the street was that he had you holed up somewhere

When did you get out of Scotland? asked Dougle

Oh they just locked me up for a day to sober up

Then they put me on the next plane out

We are so thrilled to see you said Hamish

But Vinny will start looking for us again

That will not be a problem said Billy

My cousin Andy lives here on the eastern shore

Lets go pay him a visit and see what he can do

In the meantime the haggis chicks had found their freedom in the cornfields

A short drive later they pulled up at Andy’s house

It was on a creek and the yard was full of crab pots and old boats

Andy was very welcoming and listened to all their adventures as the beer flowed

It seems to me that Vinny and his gang have overstepped their mark said Andy

The eastern shore mafia control all the bootlegging in this area

Once I tell them that the NY boys have tried to move in

They will take care of it and Vinny and his gang will no longer bother you

What will they do to Vinny? enquired Hamish

Will they feed him to the animals on a farm here?

Not at all said Andy we shorebillies are much more sophisticated

The eastern shore mafia will produce a video of Vinny’s failed haggis and whisky operation 

It will include interviews from you both to show how he invested in a failed operation

When Vinny comes back next week the locals will be waiting for him

They will show him the video and then offer him a deal he cannot refuse

Either Vinny agrees to pay top price for our own eastern shore bootleg

Or we send the video to his NY crime boss showing how he messed up

Once he takes the deal he will also agree to leave you guys alone

So why don’t you guys hang around here for a couple of weeks 

Take a well deserved vacation and enjoy the eastern shore

While we take care of Vinny

I knew it would turn out OK said Hamish

They settled in for some good old fashioned eastern shore hospitality

Fishing trips and touring the local bars

Long sunny afternoons eating steamed blue crabs

Late nights drinking eastern shore moonshine whisky

Once Andy confirmed that Vinny had been taken care of

Billy decided it was safe now for Hamish and Dougle to return to New York

I have an idea said Hamish   

Hamish and Dougle Part 5

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Hamish scanned all the channels on the TV

Then he went into all the settings

He explained what he was doing to Dougle

If Vinny was dumb enough to give us a smart TV

We can use the internet to send emails and get rescued

His hopes were dashed after a few minutes

It was indeed a smart TV but only had Satellite TV

There was no internet bundled and no way to add it

Vinny is not so dumb after all said Dougle

I have another plan said Hamish

Lets take shifts to watch the TV and scan all the channels

There is bound to be one that shows how to make bootleg whisky

They set about watching TV while the haggis chicks ran around pecking 

Sure enough after a couple of days they stumbled on Moonshiners

It gave them enough information on how to start a mash

They played around with the equipment and started the process

I have no idea how to distill this lumpy mess said Hamish

But we will bluff our way through it to fool Vinny

Vinny and his gang returned exactly a week later

Hamish and Dougle put on a convincing show

Taking temperatures and stirring the mash as if they were experts

Meanwhile the other two haggis chicks and hatched 

With four chicks running around it seemed to calm Vinny 

After unloading fresh supplies the gang locked them inside again

The charade continued for another three weeks

Although the haggis chicks were growing well

They would not mature for egg laying for another three months

They had been locked up for five weeks now

Vinny insisted they produce a first batch of moonshine by his next visit

As the gang locked the door Dougle became despondent 

All we are doing with this still is making steam

We will be sunk to the bottom of the Hudson next week

Hamish remained optimistic that they would escape somehow

A few hours after Vinny and his gang left they could here noises outside

Somebody was outside rattling the chain locking the door 

Lets shout for help whispered Dougle

No whispered Hamish we might scare them away they are burglars

Lets stay quiet while they break in and take it from there

They stood either side of the door with a pipe and a wrench for weapons

The chain was cut and soon the door slowly slid open

Bright sunlight burst into the dark smelly chicken house

A large foot stepped into the open doorway from outside

Hamish raised his pipe weapon high ready to fell the intruder

Hamish and Dougle Part 4

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The limo pulled into a dimly lit warehouse

Vinny was sitting at a table surrounded by goons

Hamish and Dougle stood facing the table

They all wore oversize black suits and white ties

It was like a bad gangster B movie

Hamish was tempted to giggle at the sight 

Vinny growled where is the dozen haggis eggs?

Hamish reached into his underwear 

Placed two eggs on the table

Dougle reached under his kilt

A couple of haggis chicks dropped to the floor

Running around the warehouse 

Chased by gun toting goons

Vinny was furious

Dougle attempted to calm things

We have enough to start a breeding operation

You have six weeks to make it work yelled Vinny

Otherwise you will be sunk in the Hudson with a concrete overcoat

They were bundled into the back of a van 

Clutching a box with the eggs and the chicks

The van drove to the eastern shore

When they got out the van was parked next to a remote chicken house

They were pushed inside and greeted by the stench of chicken poop

Vinny told them they would be living inside here 24/7

Nobody will hear if you cry out inside this remote place

In the corner there were a couple of beds and a TV

Boxes of food and water on a table

Vinny led them to a section at the end that was partitioned

It was full of pipes vessels and barrels

Vinny told them they would be making bootleg scotch whisky 

In addition to raising the haggis chicks

Hamish and Dougle had no idea how to make whisky

But they pretended to be experts as they looked over the equipment

Vinny told them he would be back in a week to check on them

The door closed with a thud and was chained shut outside

Hamish and Dougle were now prisoners

The chicken poop was knee deep in places

The stench burned their nostrils

We really are in deep shit now said Dougle

These guys will kill us when we fail to make whisky and raise haggis chicks

Hamish was more optimistic and turned on the TV

I have an idea he said enthusiastically

Hamish and Dougle Part 3

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The drive to Glasgow International airport was uneventful

At the checkin they learned their flight was delayed

Hamish knew this would be a problem

Two extra drinking hours for Billy would end in trouble

Security was the next challenge to overcome

Billy got pulled aside when his carry on bag was scanned

Airport security found six bottles of single malt in his bag

He was pulled aside for a pat down body search

Gloved hands ran the length of his out stretched arms

Then up his legs and under his kilt

Bright yellow egg yolk started to run down his legs

Billy was led away by security

The rest of the commando squad got through security unscathed

They waited in the bar but Billy never showed up

Hamish was worried about the deal he had made back in New York

He had accepted a “loan” from a guy called Vinny 

Vinny was part of the New York mafia 

Hamish had promised Vinny that they would bring back a dozen haggis eggs

Now they were down to ten as they sat in the airport bar

Hamish had promised that he would bring back enough eggs to start a hatchery in the US

They will kill us if we don’t bring back a dozen eggs

Dougle was more optimistic and smiling

We are going to make a fortune he whispered to Hamish

Don’t count your haggis before they hatch said Hamish

The three remaining New Yorkers in the squad were drinking heavily

Somebody accused them of wearing their kilts backwards

A fight broke out with chairs and tables flying

Hamish and Dougle quickly stepped outside the bar 

Police rushed in to break up the fight

The New York squad were arrested and taken away

Hamish prayed that him and Dougle would make it back safely

They were now down to just four haggis eggs

The flight to New York was uneventful and they slept the entire way

Immigration was going to be the next challenge 

What’s the purpose of your visit? asked the female officer

Dougle smiled and said we are here on holiday

She looked him up and down and her eyes were drawn to his kilt

The front of his kilt was moving erratically

The haggis chicks were hatching in his underwear

The officer smiled at Dougle as his hands tried to subdue his bobbing crotch

Enjoy your vacation she said as she handed them their passports

Dougle limped outside the terminal alongside Hamish

They were met by four large men dressed in black

Hurridly pushed into the back of a big black limousine

Hamish froze when he heard the words

Vinny wants to see you

Hamish and Dougle- Part 2

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Hamish and Dougle led their commando group into the Scottish highlands

It was difficult to keep them focussed on the mission

Billy was the ringleader of the New York squad

He was more intent on drinking whisky

And chasing every Scottish girl in sight

Things calmed down when they got to the remote highlands

The low population density meant there were less encounters with females

Also Billy eventually ran out of whisky

Billy and his comrades  found it totally impossible to understand the highland accent

Hamish and Dougle had to translate everything for them

Especially when Billy attempted to buy whisky in a highland store

His request to buy a bottle of single malt

Was answered in a full blown highland accent

Whit tip ahh malt wad yer lack laddy?

Please translate that Hamish said Billy

Hamish decided it was time for the boys to sober up

She said we don’t sell whisky on Wednesdays

Billy looked disappointed and settled for a bottle of Iron Brew soda

It was time for the final briefing before the commando raid

Listen up now said Hamish we will start the raid at 6pm

That’s when all the workers have left and there is just one security guard

What exactly are we looking for? asked Billy

Dougle explained that wild Scottish haggis was hunted to near extinction

So secret hatcheries had been built to raise haggis chicks

Which were released into the wild to boost the population

The mission is to steal a dozen haggis eggs from the hatchery

Dougle and I will distract the security guard

Telling him we have an interview at the hatchery tomorrow

And that we want to learn some facts about the place

You guys will have five minutes to cut the wire fence around the back

And to steal a dozen haggis eggs

The plan worked like clockwork

They were all back at the hotel by 7pm

Billy was at the bar at 7.03pm

Hamish and Dougle kept the eggs warm with an electric blanket in their room 

The next morning the squad met up for another briefing

They were each given 2 eggs to keep warm for the flight back to New York

Just put them in your underwear said Hamish

They will stay warm and undetected by security

The airport body scanners will just think you are well endowed said Hamish

Billy looked worried about the plan 

When you told us we were all commandos in kilts

I thought you meant we had to go commando 

So I did not bring any underwear

Hamish gave Billy a spare pair and they headed for the airport

He turned to Dougle and whispered

It will be a miracle if we get back with any eggs intact

Hamish and Dougle – Part 1

Ian Hunter3 Comments

Hamish and Dougle were best friends

Since their first days in school in Glasgow

A couple of fine young Scotsmen

Proud of their Scottish heritage

Wearing kilts and drinking whisky daily

Employment was hard to find in Glasgow

They decided to seek their fortune in America

Stepping off the plane in New York

Walking down 5th Avenue in their kilts

They attracted a lot of attention

Had fun in the bars and  got into a few fights

Made lots of new friends

Hamish had the idea to open a Haggis restaurant

Until they discovered that Haggis was banned in the US

The FDA will not allow Haggis to be imported 

This is stupid said Dougle

Americans love Sottish whisky so why stop them eating Haggis?

Hamish had an idea

Lets find some investors and start a black market Haggis import business

We need a fund rising website declared Dougle

They founded the Scottish Haggis Investment Trust

Created the SHIT website to test the level of interest

Unfortunately their acronym turned out to be very unpopular

Virtually no hits to their website

We have to find a more catchy name said Dougle

After many single malts they agreed upon a new name for their website

Haggis On Toast Pure Original Recipes Nutritious

Their new website acronym HOT PORN got many more hits than SHIT

Soon they had lots of new friends with interests just like theirs

They raised a ton of money through crowd funding

The next step was to smuggle Haggis into the US

After a long drinking and brainstorming session

Hamish had another idea

We need to form a kilted commando squad

They started to interview potential recruits

Picking out the best four young New Yorkers who all liked to drink whisky

After a month of intense training on how to smuggle haggis from Scotland

Six kilted young men boarded a plane at JFK bound for Glasgow

They were all drunk when they got off the plane

Hamish and Dougle went through the UK resident line

See you guys on the other side said Dougle

The other four waited in the line for non-UK residents

What’s the purpose of your visit? asked the UK immigration officer

Drink Whisky and chase girls said one of the New York squad

Hamish and Dougle waited a very long time for the rest of their squad to clear immigration

Say Sorry

Ian Hunter1 Comment

Just say it

You know you should 

Sorry is easy to say

Don’t wait too long

A delayed sorry has less impact

A forced sorry is almost worthless

Be proactive and say sorry early

Even before you did any wrong

Get your sorry in first

Just say it

If you don’t say it

You’ll be sorry yourself