Month: February 2023

Life smells so sweet (most of the time)

Ian HunterLeave a comment

The human body is amazing

It functions so well on air, food and water

Absorbing oxygen from breathed air

Converting food into fuel for muscles

Equipped with eyes as our window into the world

Legs are there to transport us fast or slow

Hand are dextrous to perform amazing tasks

Our brain is much more than a memory bank

It entertains us with thoughts and dreams

Almost all body functions are autonomous

Our hearts beat every second without commands

We breathe without knowing it

Our digestive systems work away 24/7

Not always quietly unfortunately

With careful management of your food and drink intake

Your body can thrive and keep you in good shape

There is not much else you need to do

Apart from cleaning your teeth and washing your skin daily

If you neglect to wash yourself then others will very soon notice

Decomposed sweat on your skin smells terrible

Nothing worse than being on a crowded city metro train

Next to somebody holding the bar up high

Their smelly unwashed armpit area close to your nose

BO hangs around looking for a nose to invade

You have no escape and have to suffer until they get off the train

Bad breath is another annoying byproduct of human existence

There is no way of telling from a distance

People do not wear warning signs about their bad breath

They may appear to be clean without a trace of BO

But when you get close their dead dragon breath will knock you over

You have to find an invented excuse to get away fast

Babies are another never ending source of pungent odors

They look so sweet and adorable to passing humans

But their parents know its a different story

Babies often reject their food with projectile vomit aimed at a parent

Parents walk around smelling like baby vomit

Often with tell tale  half digested milk stains on the clothes

Think of it as the parental badge of honor

Parents soon get immune to the smell but others stay well away

Their only friends are those with babies who are also used to the smell 

Babies can convert food almost instantly into disgusting liquid feces 

It can look like mustard but knock you out faster than mustard gas

I remember so well looking at my first born child and thinking

Why is this sweet little innocent cute baby girl producing such foul odors

Is it a defense mechanism to keep predators away

Is it a test of my parental love for my child

Will she outgrow these habits when she gets older

Thankfully she did outgrow those habits and went to be a beautiful woman

She got her payback when she had to look after her own baby

When a fridge relationship cools

Ian Hunter2 Comments
Photo by Nicola Barts on Pexels.com

I visit my fridge many times during the day

In the morning she blinks a good morning to me as I open the door

She wakes up and offers me breakfast

Usually yogurt and fresh fruit

I thank her for breakfast and close her door

She naps when her door is closed

Come mid morning I am feeling peckish

I open her door and ask what she has to offer

She suggests I eat some raw vegetables

Come lunchtime I visit the fridge again

She tells me to watch my calorie intake

Suggests a salad for lunch

I am hungry again by mid afternoon and revisit my fridge

I tell her I want those leftovers from the restaurant meal

We have a long chat about my snacking habits

She tells me to drink two glasses of water and no more snacking

I follow her advice and reluctantly close the door

Half an hour later I open the door again

She tells me to stay busy instead of eating

Points out that she needs a good cleanup

I get busy and throw away stuff that is getting old plus the leftovers

She sighs with contentment as I wash down her shelves

Then she tells me to close her door and go for a walk

I wander around the town and bump into some friends

We go to a happy hour and have a few drinks

Then we get hungry and order food

The happy our ends but we stay until late

We order more food and drinks

I get back home and open the fridge door

She shakes her head when she sees yet another bag of leftovers

Tells me I should not eat out so often and instead eat her healthy food at home

I am tired of her lecturing and ignore her

I throw in the leftovers and slam the door shut

I tell her to shut and leave me alone

I put on the TV then promptly fall asleep

Its late when I wake up in front of the TV

I am hungry and go searching for leftovers

The fridge door will not open at all

She refuses to unlock it until I apologize for being rude

I am too hungry to stand there arguing and offer my apologies

She unlocks the door and we have a long chat

I get a stern lecture on healthy eating while holding the door open

I nod in fake agreement that I am finished eating for today

Then I make a grab for the leftovers before she closes the door

Eating cold pizza at 2am is my reward

It tastes so good

The next day I wake up late and wander into the kitchen

Half expecting the fridge door to be locked again

It opens easily but I can sense something is wrong with her

Everything is defrosted and warm and all the food inside is ruined

I demand an explanation from the fridge

She tells me to calm down and listen to her

Pointing out that she turned herself off to deliberately destroy the contents

As a last desperate measure to stop me from over eating junk food

She asks me to go shopping and just buy healthy food to restock

Promises to keep it fresh if I promise to stick to my diet

I calm down and agree with her completely

I shake her handle to seal the deal

Then I empty all the rotting food

She switches herself back on again

She sighs with relief when I wipe down her shelves

I go to Whole Foods and pick up a ton of healthy foods

They take my whole paycheck at the checkout

My fridge smiles when I restock her

We become best friends again 

My desire to snack gets stronger every day

But I do not want to let her down

I figure out a way to keep her happy

I buy a second fridge and put her in the garage

She looks so cute in there alongside my tools

Stocked with beer and unhealthy treats

My garage fridge loves to party with me

While my kitchen fridge thinks I am sticking to my diet

I visit the garage fridge often late at night

We drink beer together and chat endlessly about nothing

She watches TV with me and offers me snacks

She squeezes my hand when I touch her door handle

We become very close

Life is great again for me and for both my fridges

It all comes undone after a month or so

I open the kitchen fridge asking her for salad to make my lunch

She blinks her light slowly and then starts to cry

I ask her what is bothering her and she sobs

You are cheating on me with that floozy in the garage

They told you it would be good so you bought it

Ian HunterLeave a comment

Never judge a book by its cover

Its a true saying

But we are all guilty of doing just that

When the choices are overwhelming 

As you try to find something different

What jumps out and grabs your attention

Wine bottle with the funky label

Unusual shape liquor bottle

Those amazing stats on that health food packet

Oh look at the shine on that car for sale

What a great deal on this discounted furniture

Those shoes would look great on you

We should try this new low carb bread

It must be good if the label says organic

A beer called Raging Bitch is a perfect gag gift

Lets try this new minty mouthwash

Those red apples look so appealing

Lets eat here, the menu looks fantastic

The best tasting green tea comes in a green packet

I must buy this cool looking bike

Does advertising influence your buying

Convinced you are never fooled by slick advertising

Oh yes you are

And so are the rest of us

They advertise because it captures your attention

Sows a subliminal seed in your buying genes

That germinates when you shop

Are you wondering why that new wine tastes so great

Because they told you so before you bought it

The queen of the bird catwalk

Ian Hunter2 Comments

Snowy egret with feathers flowing 

The best dressed bird on the lake

Always turned out well

In your designer costume

The herons must shop at Walmart 

Drab colors and badly fitting coat

The osprey shops at REI

Sporting an athletic high diving suit

The owl is always well dressed

Never a feather out of place

Scruffy seagulls swarm into town

Food stained well worn outfits

Eagles swoop low in black tie suits

With perfectly pressed lily white shirts

Starlings were at the end of the line

When suits and dresses were assigned

They got the oil stained mechanic’s coveralls

Doves show off their fake fur coats

The other birds totally ignore them

Woodpeckers wear their sports coats so well

Hair dyed bright red is their fashion

But nothing can beat the egret

She is the queen of the bird catwalk

Picnic time

Ian HunterLeave a comment

Picnic time

Preparing food

Picnic bench

Surface rough

Table cloth

Instant transformation

Open wine

Pour freely

Paper plates

Weighted down

Breezy weather

Sandwiches appear

Kids grabbing

Sandwiches disappear

Healthy appetites

Outdoor dining

Wine flows

Stories told

Time passes

Clouds appear

Initially ignored

Thunder roars

Packing up

Quick retreat

Into cars

Rain heavy

Windows steamy

Continue picnic

Inside car

Spilling wine

Dropping food

Laughing loud

Car rocking

Radio playing

Singing songs

Chocolate hidden

Search begins

Car ransacked

Chocolates found

Fight begins

Chocolate war

Kids clutch

Chocolate melts

Sticky mess

Every surface

Chocolate smears

Truce declared

Fighting stops

Licking fingers

Victory licks

Handwipes appear

Cleanup time

Still raining

Driving home

Everybody naps

Except driver

Picnic over

Forgotten homeless people and Chinese balloons

Ian Hunter2 Comments

Its been four months since hurricane Ian slammed into Florida

I remember so well the TV images of widespread devastation

Coastal homes smashed and whole communities wiped out

Its hard to imagine exactly what that is like

Unless you actually see it in person

We took a road trip to a barrier island on the Gulf coast this week

Meeting up with old friends at a familiar place near Fort Myers

We have been coming here annually for a decade

This time was different because the effects of hurricane Ian are still widely visible

Virtually every structure on the island has roof damage

Some have already been repaired

Others have blue tarps on them awaiting repair

Bayside docks ripped up and mangled

The shrimp boats were all destroyed

Some buildings are being demolished

Temporary cell phone towers are in place

As the fixed tower collapsed and landed on the bakery

The island is normally at full capacity with visitors right now

But its probably at twenty percent due to rental homes not being habitable

Our favorite beach front restaurant was totally destroyed

Just a concrete pad covered in sand there now

Construction crew trucks line almost every road

There are enough workers here to form a small army

This quiet sleepy place is just one big reconstruction zone

Nail guns hammer away and chain saws are buzzing all day

Fallen trees being turned to mulch

Debris being hauled away in big dumpsters

The locals say it was much worse a few months ago

With debris piled high along every street

They said all the vegetation was ripped off the trees

Palm trees left standing as naked stalks

The locals were fearing massive inundation from Gulf storm surge

Until the eye veered slightly south to spare them that fate

They believe they got lucky to have mostly wind damage

It seems bizarre to view such massive destruction as good fortune

Nature has already been busy with its own recovery operation

New palm leaves sprouting everywhere

Banyan trees are now covered in leaves again

A year from now everything should be back to normal here

Mostly because these are expensive waterfront properties

Well insured and well heeled owners committed to rebuild

Its a different story a few miles inland

A mobile home park with trailers reduced to matchsticks

A few trailers still have some walls remaining

They are enveloped in tarps like shanty down dwellings

Sadly the park owner has just filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy

Returning the rent checks from the few owners desperate to stay

Most of them were probably not insured

Having sunk their life savings into a mobile home

Planning to spend their retirement near the coast

Probably living hand to mouth on social security

No doubt some of them are homeless now

When that land is sold, those who remain will be forced to leave

Despite the fact that hurricanes seem to be getting worse

People are flocking to relocate in Florida

At a rate of more than 1000 per day

The hurricane chasing weathermen will return in a few months

Plotting tracks during the next hurricane season

Predicting where the eye will fall

Then flying over the debris left by the departed monster

I wonder how many of the 1000 people relocating today

Will be homeless a year from now

The TV crews chasing hurricane Ian are long gone

Homeless people from 2022 hurricane damage is old news now

Chinese balloons in the sky fill your TV screens today

These balloons are relocating to the US at a rate of around three per week

The Chinese claim they are just weather balloons

Nobody believes them and we now know why they fly overhead

They are spying on the entire American continent

Gathering vast amounts of data

Trying to figure out the answer to the big question

Why is it that so many Americans want to live in flood zones and hurricane paths?

The US government is determined not to reveal the answer

So they keep this secret safe by shooting down the balloons on live TV

The Chinese are undeterred and are now designing the next generation of spy ballons

Flying in huge spinning squadrons during the summer months

They will be disguised as Atlantic hurricanes

Watermen

Ian HunterLeave a comment

Crab harvesting

Boat glides

slow approach

A tight turn pirouette

Mate effortlessly hooks a float

Pulls up the trap

Empties the contents on a tray

The boat is 3/4 turned now

Rebaiting trap

Tossing it back into same spot

Boat completes 360 and speeds to the next marker

Crabs on the tray rapidly sorted

Undersize go back into the water

Keepers into a basket

Boat slows alongside next floating marker

Whole process repeats

A rhythmic dance on the water

No music but they talk to each other constantly

Harvesting a long line of baited traps

Then speeding off to the next area

Traps must be visited daily

In all weathers

Rain, wind or shine

The watermen keep working

A symbiotic relationship

Man, boat, water, crabs

Harvesting crabs

For your table

Next time you eat crabs

Give thanks to the watermen

Cheeky Monkey dualism

Ian Hunter1 Comment

Renne Descartes (1596–1650) founded modern philosophy

He developed cartesian dualism, the metaphysical argument that the mind and body are two different substances which interact with one another

He most famously said in 1637

Cogito ergo sum

I think therefore I am

………………………….

Cheeky Monkey Poetry first emerged in May 2021

Whilst publishing daily poems, the Cheeky Monkey became fascinated by modern philosophy and launched a quest to develop a 21st century branch of cheeky philosophy

He wanted to convey his ideas about life in poems that were funny, satirical, quirky or downright weird

The Cheeky Monkey would stay up really late at night trying to find the perfect catch phrase

He wrote notes to capture his nocturnal ideas, often while sipping a few single malts

Below are some of his notes which he found the morning after every heavy late night thinking session

I drink therefore I am drunk

I stopped drinking therefore I am sober 

I dream therefore I am asleep

I wonder therefore I am wonderful

I wander therefore I am lost

I think I write decent poetry therefore I am a boastful writer

I write poetry therefore I am happy

I think an awful lot therefore I am tired

I write a lot therefore I am thinking too much

I think differently therefore I am a cheeky monkey

I think about taking out the trash therefore I am a good husband

I think I forgot to take the trash out therefore I am a bad husband

I think very hard therefore I am a rock

I think all the time therefore I am an under achiever

I think aloud therefore I am alone

I think about nothing therefore I am boring

I think about writing therefore I am wasting writing time

I think I wrote something exceptional therefore I am delusional

By mid 2022 the Cheeky Monkey was struggling to keep up the daily writings and undertake philosophical research at the same time

So he took some time off from daily writings to learn Latin in the hope that he would find the perfect words to describe his new philosophy

He found it too hard to think in Latin

Then he did more research and discovered that Descartes was French

And that he thought and wrote in French the famous line Je pense donc Je suis

Which was then translated first into Latin and then into English

The Cheeky Monkey was more comfortable thinking in French because it is his second language

His major breakthrough came in February 2023 when he formally established Cheeky Monkey dualism with the phrase

Je réfléchis avant d'écrire donc je suis poète

For all you Latin scholars out there

Puto igitur ego sum poeta ante scribo

Hopefully nothing is lost in the translation to English

I think before I write therefore I am a poet

Stay Cheeky and practice your Cheeky Monkey dualism daily!

I am an EDWIFTHLIMPAEMIC

Ian HunterLeave a comment
Photo by Aaditya Arora on Pexels.com

I was born and educated in England where I started my career

Always considering myself to be British, more specifically English

My dad was born in Scotland so I do claim to be Scottish by heritage

Especially on Robert Burns’ birthday each year when I wear the family tartan in full highland dress

When I moved to France for work, I had a European passport

I considered myself a European back then

For the last 22 years I have lived in the US and been a US citizen for most of that time

Whilst living in the US, I witnessed Britain leaving the European Union

My European passport was replaced by a British passport

So what do I consider myself to be now?

A dual citizen of the UK and USA?

A British/American?

An English/American?

An Anglo/American?

A Scottish/American?

Pan Atlantic?

An Ex-Euro American?

A European refugee perhaps?

A Mid- Atlantic Mutt?

Or maybe just ‘International’ because that sounds so more James Bondish

Come to think of it, why do I need to have a country label at all?

I initially viewed countries as places where you were born and stayed all your life

Having been on this planet for almost seven decades

My view of countries has evolved significantly

Counties are just arbitrary lines drawn on a map to define places to either defend or go to war against

Next time I am asked to introduce myself at a social gathering

I shall proudly declare “I am an EDWIFTHLIMPAEMIC”

My detailed explanation will be

I am an Earth Dweller Who Is Fortunate To Have Lived In Many Places And Experienced Many Interesting Cultures

What do you consider yourself to be?

Hamish and Dougle Part 7 Finale

Ian HunterLeave a comment

Hamish asked Andy if it was possible to meet with the eastern shore mafia to discuss some ideas with them

That should not be a problem said Andy

Three regular looking guys came to Andy’s house the next day

They were introduced as Andy’s ‘special friends’

Hamish thanked them for dealing with the Vinny problem

He acknowledged that his own efforts to deal in illegal haggis and whisky had failed miserably

There is only a limited market size for moonshine he said

But having seen the number of tourists guzzling liquor in eastern shore bars

There must be a way to expand your business legally

He asked them how well they knew local politicians

They replied we are well connected at every level in this community

Hamish went on to say you should get the state law changed to allow local licensed distilleries

Have them grant you a license and build one right in the center of town here

It will become a tourist attraction itself with tours and tastings

The state will benefit from huge increases in tax revenue from the distillery sales

Local businesses will have access to discounted liquor 

You will not have big distribution costs because your customers are so close 

Andy wondered where they could get the expert knowledge needed to make high quality liquor 

That’s where we can help said Hamish 

If you can get your local congressman to sponsor a bill allowing legal haggis imports into the US

In exchange,  will arrange for some of the best skilled distillers to come here from Scotland

They will teach your team all the tricks to make excellent liquor

But there is one more condition we would like in this arrangement

Dougle, myself and Billy will set up a company that gets sole haggis import rights for the US

The Feds can impose a modest import tariff to take their cut

Seems like a win win for everybody said Andy

Billy pointed out that Hamish and Dougle were only in the US on a tourist visa

Thats not a problem said Andy we will get you employment visas as distillery experts 

Lets talk it over with our local community leaders and see if it will fly

Three years later the first legal distillery opened on the eastern shore

It was a huge success and he eastern shore mafia shut down all illegal activities to focus on growing legitimate businesses

Vinny was demoted to lower ranks in the New York Mafia and decided to turn into a super-grass to eek out his revenge

The New York mafia was dismantled as its leaders and their lieutenants  were all jailed

Billy joined AA and stayed sober

Hamish, Dougle and Billy opened a restaurant in New York, The Haggis Tavern

They sold ‘Lowland’ whisky from the eastern shore

Haggis was the most popular dish on the menu and it became the new American superfood

A whole chain of Haggis Tavern franchises opened up across the US

Scotsmen were able to sample real haggis at Burn’s suppers all over America

Wildfowl hunters on the eastern shore found a new bird to hunt

The haggis chicks that escaped three years ago had adapted well and grown into huge flocks

Hamish and Dougle joined Andy every year for the VIP eastern shore haggis hunt which raised millions for charity

After a successful haggis hunt, Hamish and Dougle were sitting on Andy’s porch sipping brandy and smoking cigars while watching the sunset over the bay

Hamish turned to Dougle and said I have an idea…………