when you have a big task ahead do you first make a list

a shopping list for the grocery store

a packing list before a vacation

listing the steps of a major project

a wedding gift list

the list is endless

when I start a new list I am always intensely excited

I visualize  myself steadily advancing the new project

the blank page soon fills up as my list grows

recording each step along the way as a new item on the list

then my emotions change to guilt

why am I writing a list rather than actually doing the work

I reluctantly leave the list to start doing the job

I soon get weary and look for an excuse to escape

discovering a task that I forgot to put on the list

its the perfect reason to be back in list land

I am so comfortable updating my list in cosy list land

I try to convince myself that the job is still progressing

I spend longer periods working and less time on the list

the job progresses but my list feels neglected

I start to ignore the list and do tasks not even listed

my list feels rejected and cheated

in a fit of remorse I later add the missing tasks to the list 

then immediately mark them as completed

keeping my list happy becomes just as important as doing the job

then I hit a big snag on the job and I get very frustrated

an important step has been overlooked

the job snarls at me saying do not blame me

its your fault for not putting it on the list

my least claims innocence saying its my responsibility to update the list

my list and the job refuse to speak to each other 

I finish the job in silence without updating the list

I convince myself I never needed the list anyway

it was just a distraction to keep me from actually working

I tear up the unfinished list in disgust

then I make a list of all the pending jobs that must be done without a list