if I were a bird in Maryland and Delaware

I would watch the bird watchers

Make notes on their habits

Study their mating rituals

Record their voices

Stare at them for hours

Make notes on their appearance

Guide them to secret bird watcher locations

Fool all the bird watchers

Into thinking we do not see them

Report fake rare bird sightings

Send bird watchers on wild goose chases

With no birds to be seen

I will follow the bird watchers home

Build a bird hide in a nearby tree

Observe the humans from my hide

Note how they sit around most of the time

Watching mindless daytime TV

Checking their phones every five minutes

Swapping bird photos on social media

Eating processed foods

Drinking beer from cans

Ordering stuff from Amazon

While neglecting their chicks

I will gather all my notes

Sort through all my photos

Write a human watching book

The Humans of Maryland and Delaware

It will be a best seller

I will retire on the enormous birdseed proceeds

Move to a bird retirement home

Spend hours tracking my birdseed portfolio

While worrying about humans becoming extinct