J’ai appris la langue en volant dans un avion

I lived in England in 1997 and took a job based in Paris

For the first 6 months I commuted weekly

In addition to working I attended classes in Paris to learn French

Flying home on a Friday night and returning to Paris on a Sunday evening

The Sunday evening flight was never full and I was usually alone in business class

I got to know the Air France flight attendants really well

They would sit next to me and help me with my French language homework

While I sipped the complimentary Air France champagne

I always looked forward to that flight

Back in those days flying was an enjoyable experience

Contrast that to flying today which I absolutely dread

Booking a flight requires you to be an online superpower

Unless you want to wait 5 hours for the airline to actually speak to you by phone

Navigating your way through all the electronic gates asking for more money

Are you checking bags? If so cough up an extra $50

Oh you want a seat next to your spouse too? That will cost you more

The stress does not stop after the flight is booked

You get frequent text updates changing the times of your flight

Sometimes they change your routing completely

Your 2 hour layover magically becomes 10 hours

With trepidation the date of your travel approaches

Having to show up at the airport super early

Checking your bag on a touch screen that is uncooperative

Hardly a human from the airline in sight to help you

Then joining a truly massive line at the TSA approved security check

Once through security you join the hoards of other frustrated weary travelers 

There is nowhere near enough seats and the food choices are overpriced and inedible

We have tried escaping the airport crowds by paying extra for a lounge

Sometimes it works out but often the lounges are overcrowded too

Last time we attempted to enter a lounge they had staff at the door stopping us

Sorry but the lounge is full right now, try coming back in two hours

Boarding a plane has now become a total zoo

People carry on massive amounts to avoid paying checked bag fees

They fight to get on early knowing there will not be enough space in the overhead lockers

Connecting flights are the most stressful of all

The departing flight leaves the gate late and joins a long line for takeoff

Your one hour connecting time gets eaten way

Then you land and it takes an eternity to get to the gate

It takes forever to deplane with folks in front of you hauling a house load of stuff

You make an olympic sprint through the airport to your connecting gate

Arriving in a sweaty heap to find its been delayed

The flights are always full with standby passengers hovering at the gate

Nothing is free on board anymore, pay up for wifi, drinks and snacks

They no longer offer free personalized French language tuition either

Mon Dieu!