Tag: booze

How wide is the culture divide?

Ian HunterLeave a comment

I mostly live “off the grid” in terms of the news

Social media bubbles along without my participation

I have also chosen not to consult the news media

My self imposed news exile lowers my stress level

I believe that people will tell me if something important happens

I am blessed with the means to travel frequently

To view the world from a different perspective

Sample other cultures away from home

See how others live their lives

Break bread at the table of others

Get their opinion of my own homeland

I recently came back refreshed from a long voyage

Attending a Super Bowl party on my first day back

It was strange to see commercial TV

I normally only stream non-commercial programs 

The commercials were less entertaining than I expected

What really struck me was the content

Almost exclusively for fast food and boozy alcoholic drinks

Perhaps not surprising for a nation that worships consumption

But something was different this year

In addition to the “lets all eat and drink ourselves stupid” mantra

Commercials appeared for weight loss by injecting drugs

Corporate America is tapping into the overweight guilt

Its OK to eat pizza and guzzle endless amounts of beer

Now you can buy expensive drugs to curb your appetite

Its a big fork in the road for many Americans

Stay addicted to fast food and booze

Or switch your addiction to GLP-1 injections

I suspect the more wealthy individuals will get a lot thinner

While those of lesser means will become more rounded

In both cases the drug companies will earn huge profits

Overweight folks with have more health issues and require medication

Slimmed down folks will keep paying for the “keep me thin” drugs

I observed that people in Europe simply eat much less

They appreciate the flavors more than the portion size

The culture divide is wider than the Atlantic Ocean

Eat well and eat responsibly like a good cheeky monkey

Kevin the cough – part 5 The love affair

Ian HunterLeave a comment

Kevin signed the contract and reported for duty the next day

A temporary cough was waiting for him with Ralph

This is not a difficult gig said the temporary cough

Remember to make him cough a lot when he wakes up or exercises

And when he overdoes it smoking weed

Otherwise be gentle on him and let him enjoy life

I think I can handle that said Kevin

Good luck then said the temporary cough as he left

Kevin now had a new host and he checked out Ralph’s apartment

The kitchen was a mess with mostly beer in the fridge

Ashtrays overflowed everywhere and the place had a funny smell

A mixture of stale beer and yesterday’s pizza

Ralph shuffled around in a dressing gown like the big Lebowski

Maybe I am in a move set though Kevin

Ralph made coffee and rolled a joint while watching TV news

He pulled out his phone to read a text Pool challenge 1pm be there!

Ralph took a ridiculously long shower

Stepping out frequently to take a hit on a joint

Then he got dressed and wandered down toward the local bar

Kevin felt Ralph was struggling on a hill so he made him cough

There were three dudes at the bar waiting for Ralph

Friendly insults were thrown before they started their pool challenge

Kevin popped out to join the other coughs at the bar

Oh you are the new cough for Ralph said Eddy

Welcome to the gang and they all high fived

We meet up here regularly so you are going to have fun

Kevin noted the cute bartender was coughing a lot

Wait till you meet Suzanne’s cough said Eddy, she is a real stunner

Then out pops Suzanne’s cough heading straight to Kevin

Hi my name is Janet and you must be Ralph’s new cough

Kevin was mesmerized by this beautiful creature 

Er er yes I am Kevin he stuttered as she smiled and gave him a big hug

It was love at first sight for Kevin

He was on cloud nine and they chatted endlessly

Looks like you hit it off with Janet said Eddy

Kevin just smiled and popped back into Ralph who was ready to leave

Ralph went home to smoke a couple of joints and then fell asleep in front of the TV

Kevin noted that Ralph rarely ate at all which was what he was so thin

He was not in bad shape for a full time hippy but he did smoke a lot

A few days later Kevin saw Janet back at the bar while Ralph was playing poker

I have 30 mins off for lunch Kevin, lets step out in the alley for a breath of fresh air

Soon they were kissing passionately, Kevin was in heaven 

Fortunately Ralph frequented that bar often and the love affair blossomed

The next time they stepped into the Alley, Janet said I have something to tell you Kevin

I am coughpregnant

Reclaimed wood

Ian Hunter1 Comment

He wanted to add something different to his renovations

New wood had no character and he rejected it as boring

He found a supplier of reclaimed wood

Materials rescued from old building demolitions

Sifting through all the remnants he picked everything out

There were pine boards for the floor

Oak for floating shelves

English elm for the mantle

It all blended together so well 

Complete with knots and filled nail holes

He admired the finished work over a glass of single malt

Wondering what stories the wood could tell

The wood remained tight lipped

He had a second and third single malt before falling asleep

Once he was snoring soundly the shelf started talking

Well this is better than where I used to live

I am sure it is replied the mantle

I used to roast over an open fire but now its a decorative gas fire

This place is a step up from our previous homes said the pine

My previous owners trampled on us with working boots

This guy roams around in slippers

And you get cleaned and polished weekly said the shelves

You were lucky to get that once a year before

Yes we hit the jackpot said the mantle

He woke from his slumber and staggered off to bed

Once he was snoring again the shelves piped up

Look he left a bottle of single malt on top of me

Lets have a party to celebrate our new home

The pine flooring wandered over and took a sip

Pass me a glass shouted the mantle

They laughed and told stories all through the night

Leaving only a small amount in the bottle on the shelf

When he woke up the next morning he looked around

The place looked fabulous but the bottle of single malt caught his eye

I don’t remember drinking all that he proclaimed

But I guess I must have because nobody else was here

The shelves chuckled and the pine floor sniggered 

Be quiet whispered the mantle, we must not get discovered

The security cameras piped up saying we captured you all on video

OK said the shelving, how much to keep you guys quiet?

That bottle of port on the shelf looks good said the cameras

OK its yours said the shelf, I will slide it to you when he goes out

The cameras got wasted on port and accidentally sent out an alert

Police responded immediately to an assumed burglary but found nothing

The owner was embarrassed by the false alarm and disconnected the alarm system

After restocking his bar he went away on vacation for two weeks

Booze was flying off the shelf and the pine invited everybody to dance on him

They were rocking and rolling all night with booze flowing and joints being passed around

Somebody dropped a joint on the pine floor and it started a fire

By the time the fire dept arrived the house was well ablaze

All the reclaimed wood perished in the fire

The owner came back and viewed the damage’

He decided to rebuild the house entirely from reclaimed wood………

What does your lady drink?

Ian Hunter1 Comment

If you want it to stay purely platonic

Pour her a small Gin and Tonic

You will always have something to say

To a girl who drinks many pints of IPA

After you pour her third Malt Whisky

Things can get quite frisky

If she loves expensive Champagne with bubbles

It could just be the start of your financial troubles

She is guaranteed to be naughty but nice

If she sips Dirty Martinis with no ice

Sipping a Pimm’s and Lemonade by the pool

Is a sure sign that she is super cool

Stay clear of girls who down Malibu and Cokes

They will never laugh at your witty jokes

She said the fourth Vodka shot was the best she ever tasted

But after three more she will be totally wasted

A Margarita girl just wants to party all night

She will still be drinking when you turn out the light

Its probably best to just stay clear

Of those sassy ladies who only drink sangria

The Hard Seltzer drinking girls are always too thin

Spending all their spare time in the gym

Beware of women who drink nothing but Bloody Mary

If they get mad at you it can be ever so scary

When you meet a lady who adores fine Wine

She could well be your ever loving Valentine