Gone are the days of free for all boarding a flight

Now everybody is assigned a group boarding number

First there is pre-boarding for special non-numbered groups

Families with children, those needing special assistance and active military

First class next and then all the VIP gazillion air-miles nerds

Next to board are friends and family of the crew

And acquaintances of the staff at the gate

Quickly followed by those with emotional support animals

Finally they call group one

Scorned as elitists by the lower numbered groups

Group 1 include  those having amassed more then $2M of debt with the airline’s credit card

Groups 2-9 have now formed an impenetrable mob squashed close to the boarding gate

As each boarding group number is called

The huddle around the gate gets tighter and tighter

Passengers have to elbow their way out of the mob to reach the gate

The mob gets smaller and tighter as the group numbers increase

There are occasional holdups as passengers try to sneak on out of turn

A group 5 passenger is prevented from boarding during group 3

His punishment is to be reassigned into group 9

A similar punishment is given to a group 2 passenger who tried to board in group 5

Being late is just as bad and trying to board too early

Standby passengers are called up and assigned group 9

Eventually the group 9 misfits are called up to board

By this time the overhead compartments are completely full

There are only non-reclining middle seats left near the bathrooms

Gate staff form a barrier to prevent group 9 from carrying anything at all on board

All their personal items are confiscated and deemed to be checked 

Those wearing baggy clothes are forced to strip to their underwear

They are made to pay cash for checking their stuff

Boarding is concluded with the group 9 walk of shame

Everybody else is seated as each group 9 passenger slinks down the aisle 

Their only possessions are a crumpled checked bag receipt and an embarrassed frown

All the other passengers stare at the group 9’s with disdain

Obviously they cannot afford to pay for assigned seating whispers a group 6

We are running late and will miss our takeoff slot due to the tardy group 9ers utters a group 3

Nobody choses to be in group 9 and its impossible to escape from it

Its the modern day equivalent of being deemed to be a witch or being tarred and feathered

Group 9ers get a life sentence of being last to board every flight they take