Cardiac prison

seven years ago I first experienced Afib

A sudden rapid heartbeat woke me at 3am from a deep sleep,

no warning, no preface,

just the violent knocking inside my chest

as if someone had broken into my body in the night

I was tossed into a frightening tachycardia prison,

dazed and confused,

with no explanation why

there were hospitals, doctors, tests and examinations.

bright lights, cool hands, monitors blinking in coded language

the first episode lasted twenty-four hours

an entire day measured in racing pulses

after that, it came back at random times,

an uninvited warden with a master key

I took medication each time it flared up,

and within a few hours relief would arrive,

quietly unlocking the cell

my cardiologist is a great detective,

sifting through evidence and clues,

piecing together the pattern of my captivity

he helped uncover the lifestyle triggers

that threw me into the Afib jail:

dehydration,

caffeine,

alcohol

I learned to avoid their bad company

I passed them by like known criminals on a corner

my Afib jail time became much less frequent

the pill in my pocket became the lawyer

springing me out on bail

I could live a normal life

with that small tablet resting near my hip,

a quiet reassurance against my side

then, lest week, I was suddenly slung back into the Afib jail

wrongful arrest, I cried,

knowing none of my triggers had been around

calmly, I reached for the magic pill in my pocket.

I waited and waited and waited…….

as my heart beat incredibly fast,

like a trapped bird battering its cage

many hours passed

more intense and longer than usual

the pill had lost its magic, Mr Afib was running amok inside me

a hospital visit ensued

doctors, nurses, tests and I was admitted for observation

I lay in a hospital bed, motionless for long days and nights,

imprisoned within another prison,

walls outside and walls within

eventually they found a way to lower my heart rate with more medication

I was still in the Afib jail

but released from the hospital on bail

Afib took over my life

sleep became fragile and unreliable

exertion was impossible

relaxation unreachable

there was nowhere to escape

the new medication made me very tired

I became a couch dweller,

impatiently waiting for relief

more long days passed,

trying to live a normal life

while my heart fluttered and skipped,

every movement felt negotiated

with the erratic rhythm inside me

I prayed for relief, searched the internet for remedies, hoping my cardiologist would find a cure

The drums in my chest beat out a crazy tune 24/7

After seven days it abruptly stopped

no ceremony

no warning

no explanation

Mr Afib had left without saying goodbye

or leaving a note

Perhaps it was Mr Afib that was in jail,

locked inside his cardiac cell,

banging on the walls of my heart

demanding his release from me

Somebody sprung him free last night. 

he roams  elsewhere now,

looking for trouble in other places

I suspect he will be back sometime

next week I will see my cardiologist

I hope his detective skills are still sharp

we must work together to tame the beast

and keep me outside the tall walls of the Afib prison

In the meantime,

I am basking in the morning glory

of waking up without the pounding in my chest

My heart is bruised but not battered

Prayers have been answered

Normal service has been restored

Life is sweet

with a normal heartbeat

celebrating being in the race with a cup of tea

I am awake early with an intense headache

incredible painful head splitting pressure

is this all a dream I wonder

I pinch myself to confirm being awake

the headache is still there

desperately seeking an answer to this sudden onslaught

It could not be a hangover

no recollection of any recent head trauma

I felt for bumps on my head but nothing unusual

maybe a change of environment might help

sitting on the edge of the bed- no change

standing up-no change

opening and closing my eyes- no change

moving from light to darkness- no change

I go for a pee- no change

the pain is still intense

I am starting to get anxious

this must be a serious medical condition

am I having a stroke

I look in the mirror and smile- no face droop

closing my eyes and raising both arms horizontal- no issues

talking to myself in the mirror- no gibberish

the pain is still intense

I reach for the pain releiving medication

I down a couple and hold my breath

hoping for instant reduction in the pain

nothing changed

desperately seeking answers

am I being punished for all my sins

is it a sign of impending death

are all my affairs in order

should I get dressed and look presentable

should I say goodbye to all my family and friends

will I live long enough to speak to them all

perhaps a group text would be more efficient

what should I say to them all

will it make them sad

how stupid I will look if I don’t die seconds after sending that message

suddenly the pressure is dropping very slightly

perhaps the medication is working

or maybe death is approaching fast

I lay down and decide to take deep slow breaths

accepting my fate with dignity

with each breath the pain subsides a little more

a few minutes later it is gone completely

relief washing away most of my anxiety

no longer seeking a reason or a cure

waves of gratitude flowing over me

I have been spared death, at least for the next few moments

what shall I do today to reward myself

will I still feel this gratitude for the rest of my life

or will it all fade away like the memory of a dream

best write it all down immediately

read it daily to remind myself how precious life is

time to celebrate with a cup of tea

I am still in the race

the human race that is, at least for the moment

Fear and anxiety battles

she was gripped by fear

an overwhelming sense of mortal danger

there seemed to be no escape from it

no way to rationalize the situation

fear had locked up her ability to think

her body was in panic flight mode

racing heart and sweaty palms

she was not in any physical danger

her fear was purely psychological

suddenly there was a drop in her fear level

she seized the opportunity and started to think logically

taking slow deep breaths and calming her body

taking back control of her own mind

she had caught fear napping

it was locked outside now

she was the king of her own castle

the drawbridges were all up and the moat was full

the fear raiders were circling outside

she watched them from the parapet

they were frustrated and eager to get back in

after a while they gave up and left

it was a beautiful sunny day

she set down the drawbridge and stepped outside

the fresh air tasted so sweet

the warm sun felt good on her face

she sat down to relax and enjoy the moment

telling herself everything was going to be fine

now that fear was all gone she felt empty inside

she decided to fill herself up with happiness

positive thoughts and excitement about the future

her happiness tank was soon about two thirds full

then a huge load of anxiety rushed in to fill the last third

she did not panic at this uninvited rush of emotion

her happiness outnumbered the anxiety two to one

this was a battle she could win easily

she told anxiety to leave peacefully or suffer a painful eviction

anxiety quickly gave up without a fight

happy security guards escorted anxiety from the premises

her happiness tanks were now overflowing