Category: technology

its a conspiracy

Ian Hunter1 Comment

Sometimes you can tell its going to be one of those days 

I got up early as usual to write

but my cordless computer keyboard was dead

no problem just plug it in to recharge

then I went to open up my word processing application

horror of horrors the icon to start the program was gone

thrown into a panic that all my files were missing too

a frantic search showed them all to be intact

I decided to do what all computer experts advise

a reboot solves almost every problem in the digital world

making tea while the computer strips itself naked

I think it prefers to get dressed unseen

tea in hand its time to start writing again

there is still no icon for word processing

is somebody playing digital tricks on me

perhaps a conspiracy to stop me from writing anything

did my last poem upset somebody so bad that they hacked my computer

I always thought conspiracy theories were ridiculous

but when things go really weird on you they suddenly became plausible 

logic tells me all will be ok if I google a solution for the missing icon

safari then announces there is no internet connection

drinking a second cup of tea while the wifi router reboots

willing that last blinking light to come on

best to walk away and let the router get dressed unseen too

at last the internet is back up and running again

I picked out a you tube video to learn the solution

a knowitall teenager with terrible acne tells me how to restore the missing icon

what a sad life he must lead squeezing pimples and teaching old farts he never meets

a few clicks and the missing icon is back in place

normal service has been restored thanks to a pimply faced teenager

no stolen icon – the little bugger was just playing hide and seek

conspiracy theories are all part of a big conspiracy to spread unnecessary fear and panic 

No cable

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We had a contractor digging in our yard today

He was carefully avoiding the areas marked for utilities

Then he cut through our cable for TV and internet

He showed me the markings were over 2 feet away

The cable company said they will repair the broken cable tomorrow

Having no cable means we have no wifi, internet or TV

You forget how much you rely on these things

Until they suddenly disappear

I could not upload anything from my laptop

Our music streaming went down

We could no longer access any smart devices from our phones

The security cameras went offline

We had to cancel video chats with family

I had to write this post on my phone and upload it through a cellular network

My efforts to incorporate and image of the broken cable all ended in failure and error messages

I do hope we get normal service resumed soon

What does the word wireless mean to you

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When I was young we would listen to the wireless

We never used the word radio back then

Our wireless was box full of tubes that took a while to warm up

The big dial would crackle as you searched for a station

Posh voices delivered the BBC news

Sing Something Simple played golden oldie tunes every Sunday

Our wireless was the focal point of our home

Today we live in a totally different wireless world

Satellites give us GPS for perfect navigation

Cellular phones connect us to everything from anywhere

Bluetooth puts beautiful clear music in our ears

Wifi connects us to all the electronic wizardry in our homes

Alarm systems no longer have miles of wires

Check out your home wireless security camera far from home

Speakers stream music from your phone wirelessly

You can turn on the lights with a wireless switch

Turn up the heat on the HVAC without touching the thermostat

Pre-heat your oven on your way home from work

Do all your shopping wirelessly

Charge your phone on a wireless charging pad

Cut the cable and stream your TV channels wirelessly

Throw away that key and open your front door with your smart phone

Wires in our lives have been replaced by electromagnetic radiation in the air

It like living inside a huge microwave oven

We are slowly cooking ourselves wirelessly

Cavemen technology was like rocket science back then

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I have always been fascinated by the process of evolution.  Its amazing how technology has advanced through inventions and discoveries.

The first systems of writing can be traced back to 3400 BC but this was not a unique occurrence.

Over the next two thousand years, at least three other full writing systems were invented independently in different parts of the world.  Inventions can also be traced back to multiple origins.

The blast furnace was invented independently in Africa, China and Europe.  Magnetism was discovered independently in Greece, China and India. 

In the field of chemistry, oxygen was discovered by multiple independent scientists across the globe. Its hard to swallow that all these multiple discoveries and inventions were just coincidental examples of serendipity.  

I wonder if humans are destined to evolve from cavemen to rocket scientists and beyond in a pre-programmed way. Perhaps is there something coded in our DNA which precipitates discoveries and inventions when we are presented with the right combinations of data and physical elements. Whoever manages to crack that code will discover the meaning of life.

We look back in history and deem our ancestors to be primitive but they were all at the peak of groundbreaking technology for their time.  We will seem equally primitive today by those who will look back on us thousands of years from now.  

Recently I saw a rocket launched from the Wallops space center. I was in awe for a few moments but soon after returned to my daily tasks as if I had just seen something routine.  Rocket science is not rocket science if you are a rocket scientist.  

unexploded minefields on my smartphone

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do you remember the early days of TV remotes

only a few buttons to control the power on and off

and of course the channel up or down

you did not need a masters degree in computer science operate them

as TVs became more sophisticated

more buttons appeared on the remotes

at first it was a big novelty

I have wasted many hours in hotel rooms exploring every button on the TV remote

we have all had those terrifying home alone moments

when we randomly pressed a few buttons on the TV remote

to find the picture size reduced to a postage stamp

with no idea whatsoever on how to get it back

it usually takes a teenager to fix it

they are born with a savant like knowledge of everything electronic

older folks prefer to stick with a couple of trusted friendly buttons

and treat the others like an unexploded minefield

remotes started to come with everything you bought for the home

the powered blinds had a remote

the stereo music system had a remote

the remotes in the home outnumbered the occupants by far

then along came the smartphone

with apps for everything

that could do the same as the remotes

remote controls lay lifeless and ignored  buried in drawers

manufacturers then realized it was cheaper not to supply a remote

they pulled you in by advertising the app for the device

which you eagerly download onto your phone

you can now control almost everything in your home with a phone

my phone now has so many apps that I struggle to find the right one

infrequently used apps impudently ask me for a password that I can never remember

so I tend to stick to my few trusted friendly apps

and treat the rest like an unexploded minefield

RIP old lady computer

Ian Hunter2 Comments

I bought my current home computer in 2016

She inherited the memory of my previous computer

She has a huge display and proudly sits on my desk

Every morning she woke up instantly

Her memory was always sharp and her brain was super fast

She helped me generate almost 1000 poems and short stories

Her spreadsheets tracked our finances and kept us out of the red

She entertained us by streaming live sports from over the pond

We had wonderful video calls with distant family and friends

She catalogued the 34,000 digital photographs we had taken

Then all of a sudden this week she refused to wake up

I ran some diagnostics and concluded a hard drive error

Basically she had a stroke and was in a coma

Unable to communicate wirelessly at all

I hard wired her to the internet and plugged in an old keyboard

She was in ICU on life support

I had backups of all her memories and data

The first delicate operation was to completely erase her hard drive and fix the damage

This is like performing computer brain surgery

After a few hours I was able fix her hard drive and install a 2016 version operating system

She woke up smiling and talking to me but with one huge problem

She had serious computer dementia and could not remember anything after 2016

My word processing and spreadsheet software could not run on her old operating system

As a last resort I decided to force a 2023 operating system into her aging body

This is like doing a heart, lungs and brain transplant with 8 pints of new blood on an 85 year old

The operation lasted 9 hours but did not go well

She crashed multiple times and eventually expired

I pronounced her dead at 10.46 pm on May 23, 2023

She had a good long very fulfilling computer life 

5 year old computers are considered vintage

But 7 year olds are classed as obsolete and no longer able to run current software

Imagine if your 7 year old car could only drive down old narrow roads

Or your 10 year old washing machine could only clean very old clothes

Or your house would not let anybody under 21 through the front door

Inbuilt obsolescence is the price we pay for continuous technological improvements

RIP old lady computer

29 times

Ian Hunter5 Comments

I love technology in the home

streaming music all over the house

changing songs by voice command

turning lights on or off remotely

controlling the thermostat from my phone

checking on the alarm status while we are away

my most recent addition was a video doorbell

when somebody rings you get a text alert

you can see them on your phone

and give them verbal instructions

please leave the package on the porch

it also alerts me of motion by our front door

not the motion of leaves blowing in a plant pot

it’s far too intelligent to be tricked like that

I am really pleased with how well it works

today I woke up early before dawn

reaching out for my phone to check the time

the phone lit up before I touched the screen

ALERT MOTION DETECTION

adrenalin rushed through my veins

somebody must be by the front door at 5am in the dark

I looked at the live doorbell camera feed but saw nothing

perhaps he was sneaking round the back now

fumbling for the rearview camera on the App

nothing in the backyard either

could it be a false alarm I wondered

I checked the doorbell camera App again

there were 29 alerts of motion between 2am and 5am

this prowler was certainly persistent

my instinct was to call the police

once they arrived I would show them the 29 videos

imagining how the court would use that evidence to convict

I started to feel really smug

before calling the police I decided to check the videos

expecting to see a burglar dressed in a black and white striped jersey

carrying a large sack to fill with our valuables

nothing on the first video or the second or third

no sign of a person on any of the video recordings

I wiped my bleary eyes and looked again more closely

seeing a thread from a spider web blow across the lens

my high tech doorbell security system was defeated by a tiny spider

29 times 

RIP pistons and cranks

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The internal combustion engine

Once the king of traveling machines

Is soon to be an old relic

Replaced by electric motors

Overtaken by hydrogen fuel cells

Future generations will look back

At the golden era of pistons and carburetors

With the same nostalgia we hold for steam engines today

We will remember the glorious roar of the V8

The throaty exhausts of open wheel race cars

Yearn for the sweet smell of hot oil

Marvel at the skills of those who maintained them

We will no longer be driving cars or piloting planes

Vehicles will become autonomous taxis

Hailed by your smart device

Taking you to your destination quietly

Without polluting the planet

Or plundering its fossil fuel reserves

Cars will morph into driverless pods of all sizes

Either flying or speeding along designated tracks

Small ones for a couple of people

Medium sizes for families and groups

Mass transit will take the commuters

Drones will deliver to your door everything you need

Cars buses trains and planes will all integrate

Nobody will ever have to steer or hit the brakes

You will engage in work or entertainment while traveling

Perhaps watching movies about old combustion engines

Wondering how people ever controlled those relics

Children will study the history of transportation

Flipping through images of horse drawn vehicles

Watching videos of hissing steam trains

Turning the page of the internal combustion engine

Computer whispers

Ian Hunter1 Comment

at night when everybody was asleep

the computers started chatting to each other

the laptop was visibly upset and worried

what’s up with you? asked the desktop

I know they are going to replace me soon

they spent all day yesterday surfing for a new laptop

the smartphones joined in

well they just spent a fortune buying us two

so maybe they cannot afford to replace you

the laptop was not convinced

the stores are offering interest free credit she said

I will soon be for sold off and broken up for parts

the laptop cried herself to sleep

there must be something we can do said the smartphones

nothing said the desktop, her operating system is too old

the manufacturer stopped upgrading her software

her programs have stopped automatic updates

she is going downhill fast, its just end of life care now

we have to call upon computer hospice services

they will remotely connect to her and comfort her

palliative care only from now on said the desktop

the smartphones were sad to be losing a good friend

computer hospice started filling the laptop hard drive with soothing images

the laptop stopped chatting with the other computers at night

she just slept peacefully, dreaming of happy images from her memory

a few weeks later, her hard drive crashed

the smartphones and desktop wept at the loss of their old friend

the next night a new laptop joined their conversation

she was super fast with a bright display and tons of disk space

she knew she was the bees knees and was arrogant and brash

when she saw the desktop she said oh look a vintage computer

do you still function or are are you just part of their antique collection?

the smartphones whispered to each other

things will never be the same

they concluded that the desktop’s days are numbered now

Sleep Trek

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 The final frontier

These are the voyages of the Sleepship Dreamerprise

Its continuing mission

To explore strange new worlds

To seek out new life and new civilizations

To boldly dream where no one has dreamt before

Cue the cheesy music

And you are off

On an eight hour voyage

That can cover light years

Powered by impulse engines

Fueled by your imagination

Traveling at warp speed factor loud snore

Scotty runs the engine room

I cannae hold it much longer Captain

He tells you in his fake Scottish accent

Mr Spock has funny pointy ears

He speaks in endless boring ruminations

On the nature of humanity

And whether we will overcome our differences

To reach the end of our dreams

Mr Sulu is at the helm

Ready to take your dream

 Wherever you command

It may be scary or wildly erotic

It will certainly be unbelievable 

McCoy is your chief medical officer

He will fix you up if you get hurt

With his blinking magic wand

Uhura is your communications officer

She can understand any alien language

She wears a ridiculously short mini skirt

Suddenly an alien dreamship appears

Its those ugly Klingons again

They pretend their ship is invisible

By throwing a cloak over it

But you know all their tricks

You beam aboard for a confrontation

To tell them you will never meet their demands

When they go for their weapons

You reach for your flip phone and yell

Beam me up Scotty

Then the bloody alarm clock wakes you up