Category: short story

Hamish and Dougle Part 4

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The limo pulled into a dimly lit warehouse

Vinny was sitting at a table surrounded by goons

Hamish and Dougle stood facing the table

They all wore oversize black suits and white ties

It was like a bad gangster B movie

Hamish was tempted to giggle at the sight 

Vinny growled where is the dozen haggis eggs?

Hamish reached into his underwear 

Placed two eggs on the table

Dougle reached under his kilt

A couple of haggis chicks dropped to the floor

Running around the warehouse 

Chased by gun toting goons

Vinny was furious

Dougle attempted to calm things

We have enough to start a breeding operation

You have six weeks to make it work yelled Vinny

Otherwise you will be sunk in the Hudson with a concrete overcoat

They were bundled into the back of a van 

Clutching a box with the eggs and the chicks

The van drove to the eastern shore

When they got out the van was parked next to a remote chicken house

They were pushed inside and greeted by the stench of chicken poop

Vinny told them they would be living inside here 24/7

Nobody will hear if you cry out inside this remote place

In the corner there were a couple of beds and a TV

Boxes of food and water on a table

Vinny led them to a section at the end that was partitioned

It was full of pipes vessels and barrels

Vinny told them they would be making bootleg scotch whisky 

In addition to raising the haggis chicks

Hamish and Dougle had no idea how to make whisky

But they pretended to be experts as they looked over the equipment

Vinny told them he would be back in a week to check on them

The door closed with a thud and was chained shut outside

Hamish and Dougle were now prisoners

The chicken poop was knee deep in places

The stench burned their nostrils

We really are in deep shit now said Dougle

These guys will kill us when we fail to make whisky and raise haggis chicks

Hamish was more optimistic and turned on the TV

I have an idea he said enthusiastically

Hamish and Dougle- Part 2

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Hamish and Dougle led their commando group into the Scottish highlands

It was difficult to keep them focussed on the mission

Billy was the ringleader of the New York squad

He was more intent on drinking whisky

And chasing every Scottish girl in sight

Things calmed down when they got to the remote highlands

The low population density meant there were less encounters with females

Also Billy eventually ran out of whisky

Billy and his comrades  found it totally impossible to understand the highland accent

Hamish and Dougle had to translate everything for them

Especially when Billy attempted to buy whisky in a highland store

His request to buy a bottle of single malt

Was answered in a full blown highland accent

Whit tip ahh malt wad yer lack laddy?

Please translate that Hamish said Billy

Hamish decided it was time for the boys to sober up

She said we don’t sell whisky on Wednesdays

Billy looked disappointed and settled for a bottle of Iron Brew soda

It was time for the final briefing before the commando raid

Listen up now said Hamish we will start the raid at 6pm

That’s when all the workers have left and there is just one security guard

What exactly are we looking for? asked Billy

Dougle explained that wild Scottish haggis was hunted to near extinction

So secret hatcheries had been built to raise haggis chicks

Which were released into the wild to boost the population

The mission is to steal a dozen haggis eggs from the hatchery

Dougle and I will distract the security guard

Telling him we have an interview at the hatchery tomorrow

And that we want to learn some facts about the place

You guys will have five minutes to cut the wire fence around the back

And to steal a dozen haggis eggs

The plan worked like clockwork

They were all back at the hotel by 7pm

Billy was at the bar at 7.03pm

Hamish and Dougle kept the eggs warm with an electric blanket in their room 

The next morning the squad met up for another briefing

They were each given 2 eggs to keep warm for the flight back to New York

Just put them in your underwear said Hamish

They will stay warm and undetected by security

The airport body scanners will just think you are well endowed said Hamish

Billy looked worried about the plan 

When you told us we were all commandos in kilts

I thought you meant we had to go commando 

So I did not bring any underwear

Hamish gave Billy a spare pair and they headed for the airport

He turned to Dougle and whispered

It will be a miracle if we get back with any eggs intact

Hamish and Dougle – Part 1

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Hamish and Dougle were best friends

Since their first days in school in Glasgow

A couple of fine young Scotsmen

Proud of their Scottish heritage

Wearing kilts and drinking whisky daily

Employment was hard to find in Glasgow

They decided to seek their fortune in America

Stepping off the plane in New York

Walking down 5th Avenue in their kilts

They attracted a lot of attention

Had fun in the bars and  got into a few fights

Made lots of new friends

Hamish had the idea to open a Haggis restaurant

Until they discovered that Haggis was banned in the US

The FDA will not allow Haggis to be imported 

This is stupid said Dougle

Americans love Sottish whisky so why stop them eating Haggis?

Hamish had an idea

Lets find some investors and start a black market Haggis import business

We need a fund rising website declared Dougle

They founded the Scottish Haggis Investment Trust

Created the SHIT website to test the level of interest

Unfortunately their acronym turned out to be very unpopular

Virtually no hits to their website

We have to find a more catchy name said Dougle

After many single malts they agreed upon a new name for their website

Haggis On Toast Pure Original Recipes Nutritious

Their new website acronym HOT PORN got many more hits than SHIT

Soon they had lots of new friends with interests just like theirs

They raised a ton of money through crowd funding

The next step was to smuggle Haggis into the US

After a long drinking and brainstorming session

Hamish had another idea

We need to form a kilted commando squad

They started to interview potential recruits

Picking out the best four young New Yorkers who all liked to drink whisky

After a month of intense training on how to smuggle haggis from Scotland

Six kilted young men boarded a plane at JFK bound for Glasgow

They were all drunk when they got off the plane

Hamish and Dougle went through the UK resident line

See you guys on the other side said Dougle

The other four waited in the line for non-UK residents

What’s the purpose of your visit? asked the UK immigration officer

Drink Whisky and chase girls said one of the New York squad

Hamish and Dougle waited a very long time for the rest of their squad to clear immigration

Waking at 3am

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He woke up at and looked at the clock seeing 3am

Tossing and turning while he desperately tried to drop off

His wife was fast asleep beside him

He glanced at the time again and it was 2.30am

Convinced he must have read the time wrong before 

He pulled out his phone to double check the exact time

It was 2.27am but he noticed something very strange

The displayed time was going backwards

Soon it was showing 2.15am and still going backwards

This must be a weird dream he concluded and he drifted off to sleep

When he woke up he could hear the TV blaring away

His wife was no longer in bed so he got up to investigate

She was in the lounge watching TV and drinking wine

Lets watch this show she urged so he joined her

She poured him a glass of wine too

It was now 11pm the day before and the time was still going backwards

After the show finished she told him to get dressed for dinner

They pulled up at the restaurant for a meal with friends

Nobody else seemed to be bothered about the time going backwards

They drank a lot during dinner before dashing home to change again

It was almost 6.30 pm and she told him to have a nice day at work

It felt strange starting his working day after a big boozy dinner

He drove to work and saw all of his usual co-workers

All performing their usual tasks as the day went backwards

Lunch was at the normal time full of small talk

Nobody was fazed that time was running backwards

They were all looking forward to going home at 9am

When he got home his wife was asleep in bed

He grabbed a quick breakfast and took a shower before joining her in bed

Hoping that everything would normal when he woke up

He soon fell asleep exhausted

Waking up again at 3am and noticing that time was still going backwards

This daily backward cycle just keep going and going for days, months and years

His past had become his future and he was reliving what he had already done before

Soon he was single again reliving his bachelor days before meeting his wife

Then he was back in school getting younger every day

He realized that his days left were minimal

Finally he approached his day of birth and woke up in his mother’s womb

A shrinking embryo that would soon not exist at all

At the moment of conception his entire life flashed before him

The fourth dimension- Part 5 FINALE

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Kevin put the gun on the table while he explained everything

We are both characters acting out a dream in our own imagination

Our real selves are still asleep in bed

The only way for this dream to end is to kill the main characters

I was having difficulty understanding all this

Look Kevin, if we are imaginary characters then we don’t exist in reality 

Which means we cannot be killed like normal living beings

You are exactly right said Kevin, our characters can only be killed in our imagination

This is never going to work Kevin, there is no way I am going to shoot you

Kevin walked over to his bedside table and pulled out a second gun

He placed one bullet in the chamber of each gun and handed one to me

I took the gun and asked him what we were supposed to do next

Take the gun back to your apartment and put it by your bed

When you go to bed this evening wait until exactly midnight and shoot yourself

I will do the same at precisely the same moment

Then tomorrow we will both wake up from this dream

I could not think of a better plan to escape from this eternal groundhog day

I took the gun and shook hands with Kevin before returning to my apartment

Just before midnight I got a text from Kevin saying see you on the other side

Picking up the gun, I counted down the seconds with the barrel at my temple

Pulling the trigger at midnight before everything went black

I woke up in bed not knowing if I was still stuck in the fourth dimension

There was no gun on the bed and no signs off trauma

I got dressed and raced down to Kevin’s apartment but there was no answer

Maybe he was still sleeping I thought so I went back to my place

I could not get onto my balcony because all the balcony furniture was piled up inside

A new paint job had magically appeared on the balcony walls and railings

I called the front desk to find out what was going on with the building

Spencer answered with his usual joyous voice

Welcome back Sir, we missed you, how did you enjoy your three year assignment in Europe?

It was err great I stuttered,  but why is my balcony furniture piled up inside?

Oh that was brought in during the building renovation while you were away

I will send somebody up to put it all back outside

OK thanks I said, one more thing, do you know if my friend Kevin is home?

Spencer fell silent for a moment then his voice went uncharacteristically somber

I am very sorry Sir but your friend Kevin passed away more than a year ago

You obviously did not hear the sad news Sir

He tragically took his own life, he shot himself in bed

I thanked Spencer and hung up before checking the date on my phone

Sure enough it was three years ahead of my last memory

I must have spent those three years stuck in the fourth dimension

The fourth dimension – Part 4

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There was no sign of life in the desert surrounding his building

He went back inside and turned on the TV

All the stations were in Arabic with no subtitles

Hunger pains led him to the kitchen

None of his usual bland stuff in the fridge and pantry

It had all been magically replaced by middle eastern delights

He settled for Turkish coffee and baklava

All his jeans and T shirts were missing from the closet

He tried on the Arabic robe and headgear

Admiring himself in the mirror and noticing his new long beard

He tugged hard on the beard to verify it was not fake

Intense pain proved it was real but how did it grow so fast he wondered

He walked all round his apartment talking out loud to himself

Asking if he was going mad or could this all be another dream

He even got in and out of bed to simulate waking up

But the dessert was still there and his beard was growing longer

Another futile ride in the elevator kept returning him to his own floor

The stairwells up and down went nowhere either 

He knocked on all the doors on his floor

Patiently waiting for somebody to answer before moving to the next 

On the fifth attempt he heard a voice inside and the door opened

It was his neighbor Kevin wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt

Kevin did not recognize him at first with the beard and robes

Hey Kevin something really weird is happening to me he said

Keven replied No shit man, you gotta come in and see this

He followed Kevin through his apartment and onto the balcony

The desert was no longer there having been replaced by a bustling island

Palm trees were swaying in the wind and the beach was crowded

He started yelling down to the people below

You are wasting your time said Kevin, they cannot hear or see you

Kevin showed him the massive HELP sign hung over his balcony railing

Nobody looks up or responds to this he shrugged

He led Kevin back to his apartment to show him the desert outside

A place where your imagination completely takes over your mind

Kevin was speechless looking out over the featureless desert

They went back inside trying to unravel what was happening to them

Amazingly they had both had the exact same dream about the giant and falling 

Kevin concluded that they were both stuck in the fourth dimension

So how do we escape from this fourth dimension? he asked Kevin

We will have to kill each other replied Kevin who then pulled out a gun

The fourth dimension – Part 3

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He felt no pain as he lay on the ground motionless

Vividly remembering his traumatic fall

He felt his spirit was leaving his body

A bright white light shone above him but it was blurry

He tried to reach out towards the light but he could not move

After blinking a few times the white light slowly came into focus

Angels were nowhere to be seen sadly

He was looking up at his bedroom ceiling

A quick check of his limbs confirmed no injuries

He realized it was all a dream and that he has simply fallen out of bed

His pajamas were drenched in sweat so he took a shower

Recalling all the details of his dream as the water streamed over him

Trying to determine the significance of such weird events

Why was he ripping up buildings before being thrown from a roof

Was there something traumatic he saw on TV to trigger that dream

He could not find the answers and decided to shrug it off

Morning coffee was a welcome back to realty

Flicking on the TV as he made breakfast

The news was showing the city in disarray 

Rubble blocking streets and cars piled high on parking garage roofs 

Surely this dream cannot be continuing he asked himself

He picked up his phone to make a call but he had no service

No WIFI either but strangely the TV still worked

He needed to get out of the building to see for himself

Leaving his apartment and walking to the elevator he passed no other residents

The elevator doors closed and he pressed the button for the lobby

He sensed the elevator moving before the doors reopened 

No lobby area to be seen as he was still on his floor

It was time to abandon the elevator and take the stairs

Walking down from the 20th floor would be good exercise anyway

After descending a few flights he noticed that every floor was marked 20

He walked up and down the stairwell searching for an exit

Every door he entered took him back to his own floor

He was beginning to think this was all another dream

It was futile trying to exit via the stairs so went back to his apartment

The TV was no longer working so he decided to go on his balcony

Expecting to see his normal views of the bay and the city

He froze at what his eyes were seeing and kept blinking slowly

There was no bay and no city at all

Just an empty featureless desert as far as the eye could see in every direction

The fourth dimension – Part 2

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The giant’s hand gripped him tightly

Lifting him to the top of the highest building

The giant was standing on the roof

He felt the grip on him loosen and he fell onto the roof with a bump

The giant loomed over him menacingly

Who said you could move the buildings in my city?

This is my playground and you just ruined it

He stood up and dusted himself off

Looking up at the giant defiantly

Its my playground too and I am not scared of you

The giant roared with laughter at the little mans defiance

Picking him up by the legs and dangling over the side of the building

He froze in terror as he looked down at the streets far below

The giant shook him violently and threatened to drop him

Before throwing him roughly back onto the roof

He dusted himself off again and stood up

The giant insisted that he moved to another playground

He resisted saying this was his home and his own playground

The giant started to get really angry and started shoving him to the edge of the roof

Leave me alone you big bully he screamed

I will if you promise to fix all the damage you caused and then leave town

Not happening was his reply

The giant was furious now and picked him up roughly

Have a nice ride down to street level he grinned

Before dropping him over the side of the building

He was hurtling down fast towards the ground

Buildings flashed by him like speeding trains

Time slowed down as his falling continued 

His whole life flashed before his eyes

Wondering why it had to end this way

He knew the impact would be severe and he braced himself

Hitting the ground with a thud

Then total blackness

The fourth dimension – Part 1

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He stepped out onto his high rise balcony

A breathtaking view of the bay

Sailboats moored down below resembled little toys

A sailing regatta was in full swing on the water

Each boat searching for some extra wind to beat the others

He looked inland across the city

Most buildings were shorter than his 

Looking over flat rooftops brimming with vents and fans

Extracting the heat to keep their occupants cool in this sun drenched city

Cars rolled slowly through the busy streets below

They also resembled small toys

A metro train went by in the distance completing the array of toys below him

He felt like a giant in a three dimensional playground

His vivid imagination took him into the fourth dimension

Making a list of buildings he felt were ugly and out of place

Before bending down and plucking each one from its foundations

Smoothing away the dirt and planting a few trees

Them moving some fine architectural structures to fill the gaps

He then proceeded to crumble some of the removed buildings

Creating road blocks all over the city

Stranded cars could no longer move through the gridlock

He plucked the cars up one by one

Posting them gently into high rise parking garages 

Until all the streets were completely devoid of vehicles

People now walked merrily along empty streets 

Next he turned his attention to the regatta on the bay

Leaning over and blowing swirling winds towards them

Tiny sail boats were tossed about with each breath

Sailors were having so much fun with the new winds

Noisy helicopters and planes buzzed through the skies

They were all scooped up in his giant butterfly net

Each one being safely parked at the airport and told to stay grounded

He proudly looked out over his toy city with no more noisy cars and planes

Suddenly a giant hand came down from above and grabbed him

Pulling him off the balcony and lifting him skyward

Wilderness adventure

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Photo by Sagui Andrea on Pexels.com

he walked briskly

leaning into the blustery cold wind

his body tensed as the cold penetrated his thin jacket

his face and exposed ears were stinging

his empty stomach growled

more than 2 days since his last meal

but sheltering from the cold was his priority

food would have to come later

the terrain was rough

but he measured every step

an injury could be fatal here

survival requires intense focus

he spotted a structure ahead

visualizing a night of shelter

it was an abandoned shack

part of the roof remained

gathering wood for a fire

nature had preserved a few dry timbers

soon a fire was glowing in a corner 

taking care not to burn his numbed limbs

anchor points for a hammock

would keep his body off the cold damp floor

sleep was calling

but his belly ached for food

leaving the fire well stacked

he found a boggy patch of ground nearby

pulling up plants with starchy roots 

a simple meal quickly prepared

cold and hunger subsided

he slept soundly

a noise startled him

a black bear lunged toward him

he rolled from the hammock

pulling a knife from his belt

three stabs into the bear’s flesh 

saved him from certain death

the bear retreated

remaining still for a moment

adrenalin replaced by intense pain

deep wounds bleeding heavily

cutting down the hammock

wrapping the fabric around his abdomen

securing it with string

blood soaked through

too weak to travel

he had to summon help

building a fire outside

sending up smoke signals

nobody came that day

he stayed up all night

keeping the fire burning

another day of smoke signals

he drifted off late in the afternoon

woken by a helicopter above

a voice told him to lay face down

he was soon handcuffed

airlifted to hospital

with a police guard

patched up and returned to prison

plotting his next escape