Why men hate shopping with their partner*

Men like to shop fast  

Planning their attack 

Like a hunting expedition

Identifying the prey in advance 

A quick territorial raid

Then a swift kill before a rapid retreat

Women prefer to shop slowly

Making long lists in advance

But stopping to browse at everything

Picking things up to feel, smell and shake them

Often changing their minds

Buying groceries is akin to picking berries in a field

How long will a man stay calm

When shopping with his partner

Usually half an hour at most

Boredom is replaced by frustration

He will typically seek an escape

I’ll wait for you in the car honey

Most couples shop individually

Wives left to browse the aisles alone

Husbands at home shop on line

Thats the beauty of Amazon

Its available whenever a man wants

Watching football and killing a shirt at half time

The wife lugs bulging bags back home

While he watches the end of the game

She expects praise for her thrifty gatherings

Holding up each item with reverence

Look at this great shirt I got for you honey

He stabs his phone and secretly cancels the Amazon shirt  

Don’t throw away all the memories

his wife was complaining about all his stuff in the attic

he reluctantly decided to go through all the old boxes

stuff that had been put away for years

obviously not needed but for some reason never been discarded 

he sifted through the contents of the first small box

a tin box full of foreign coins

memories of his traveling days flooded back

places he had visited on business trips and vacations

images flashed through his mind for each coin he touched

an old watch that no longer worked

it was of no value except it belonged to his father

he wound it up and it started to tick

he could hear his father’s voice again

he missed him so much

a notebook from many years ago

containing wish lists of things to do and places to see

they had written it when first married

he read off each item slowly

pausing to recall the joys of each achieved wish

trying to remember why some never happened

bunches of keys from previous dwellings

he held a front door key tightly

remembering opening that door many years ago

seeing his young children run to greet him

they are grown now with kids of their own

a big old bulky calculator he used in college

reliving the hours he spent solving problems with that

the stressful times of exams

he could remember all those long hours of study

he did find some bits and broken pieces

and a collection of old pens and pencils

he carefully put them in a paper bag

before closing the box

he had removed less than ten percent of the contents

over dinner that night his wife cornered him asking if he had cleaned out everything in the attic as promised

he hesitated before saying he had cleared some of it from one small box

she pushed him harder wanting to know why he was keeping all that junk

he insisted that it might be a small box of stuff but it contained a lifetime of great memories

she could see he was getting upset and gave him a big hug

whispering to him softly “I am so sorry, please keep your boxes full of memories”

he replied “thanks, I did clear some space for us to make a few more memories”

A couch potato gets unconditional love

as she was leaving the house

she yelled out one last instruction

remember to feed the dog 

alright he replied in an angry tone

he rolled his eyes as the door closed

peace at last he said to himself

now I can do what I want all day

without her nagging me

the dog looked up at him with big loving eyes

he was too lazy to take him for a walk

pushing him into the back yard

go run around by yourself he said

he flicked on the TV and opened a beer

the couch groaned as he slumped down

snacks spilled onto the floor

he trampled them into the carpet

his phone dinged signaling a text from her

he turned it off in defiance

I can read it later he thought

this is my time now

he fell asleep after the fifth beer

woken by the dog whimpering at the door

he let the poor animal in from the cold

the dog greeted him with unconditional love

I cannot go on like this he thought

I have to try and be a better person

he fed the dog and cleaned the entire house

then fixed everything that had been long broken

he went shopping and bought her flowers

prepared a romantic dinner for her return

after showering he turned on his phone

her text said I AM LEAVING YOU

The amorous owl*

darkness shrouds the bay late evening

the marsh settles down to sleep

intense blackness amplifies every sound

footsteps of a deer leaving the forest

seeking out green pastures to graze

birds have settled down to roost

small mammals find shelter and rest

raccoons come out to play in gangs

looking for mischief like unruly teenagers

suddenly an owl hoots

hoot hoot

deadly silence follows his call

potential prey seek deeper cover

fearing this nocturnal hunter may attack

the raccoons briefly pause

they know an owl can take them down

the owl hoots again

hoot hoot

a second owl answers his call

hoot hoot 

hoot hoot

She is saying I am over here

I am coming to visit you he hoots

hoot hoot

hoot hoot

the raccoons burst into laughter

fits of raccoon giggles over amorous owls

Suddenly the owl swoops by

raccoons all run for cover in panic

the owl flies on towards his mate

he knows he can find food later

he has other plans right now

deer continue nocturnal grazing totally unabashed

hoot hoot

hoot hoot

the delinquent raccoon gangs decide to call it a night

The pebble

she picked up a pebble on the beach at dawn

it was heart shaped

holding in in her open hand

she could feel the heartbeat

she put the pebble in her pocket

walked back to her waterfront home

her husband was still sleeping

placing the pebble on his pillow

she got back into bed

drifted off to sleep

dreaming about being loved

being held tight

a loud noise woke her

her husband was sitting up

somebody put a rock in the bed he yelled

he threw it against the wall

she decided not to own up

her husband got up and dressed

there was no good morning kiss

he left the house soon after

she got out of bed

found the pebble on the floor

holding it tight in her hand

no heartbeat

it was cold and dead

it was time to move on

she packed a bag

made a few calls to friends

took a taxi to the airport 

she left a note on his pillow

I gave you my heart

but you threw it away

I am not made of stone

Finally safe

Oh leave me be

To my own thoughts

Please no more words from you

I need to clear my mind

Purge all the bad memories

Refill my head with unpolluted ideas

Fresh clean images

Pleasant soothing sounds

Melancholic aromas

Sensual sensations

A complete spiritual cleansing is complete

Your ghost has been exorcised

Its safe again to close my eyes

To look deep into my minds eye

Knowing that you no longer haunt me

I can once gain walk miles alone in my sleep 

Content that you can no longer follow me

Its safe again to choose any path I desire

Safe to open any door in front of me

Safe to greet strangers

Safe enough to risk falling in love again

Without fear of being hurt

My heart has stopped spilling rejected blood

It once again beats strong and fast

Finally safe

Riding the bus

on a cold wet Monday morning

she sat by the window on the bus

a wistful look on her face

watching people walk by

mostly rushing to work

none of them smiling

all battling through crowds

the bus lurched in the heavy traffic

she thought back to her childhood days

walking to school down this very same street

she thought about her working days

taking this bus to the office 

every day for forty five years

the bus lurched more 

she closed her eyes

drifted off to sleep

when she woke the sun was shining

her husband was sitting next to her

he winked at her and smiled

she smiled and squeezed his hand

resting her head on his shoulder

she drifted off to sleep again

the bus lurched more and stopped

she was alone on the bus

it was still raining

she got off at the cemetery 

walked to a gravestone

she talked to her long departed husband

hoping he would join her again

on the long bus ride home

The car wreck**

She saw him driving too fast on a twisty road, the car was lurching at every turn.  The turns got tighter the car spun out of control and smashed into another vehicle. A sickening sound of metal crushing and glass exploding mixed with a human cry and then……  She woke up in a cold sweat with her heart pounding. She dared her hand to reach out in the darkness and explore beside her in the bed. A warm sleeping body beside her calmed her anxiety, it was just a bad dream.  She decided not to wake him, no point in dragging him from a nice dream just to tell him she had a nightmare. 4am blinked from the clock and she settled down again to sleep. Her body tried to relax but her mind was still racing from the horrific images.  She tried to think of soothing things, honeymoon memories at the beach, sensual massages at the spa, sipping cocktails by the pool.  Each time she let an image flow in the screen of her mind somebody flipped the channel back to a blood splattered wreckage.  Now she saw first responders cutting away the twisted metal from a dying man.  How can a dream continue while I am awake she asked herself.   She decided to get up and keep her eyes open.  The reality of her surroundings will shut out the unwelcome thoughts. She went downstairs and made a cup of tea then slumped in her favorite chair in front of the TV.  She scanned the channels and found mostly infomercials.  Insomniacs must spend a fortune on useless gadgets she thought.  Flick flick –magic weight loss powder, flick flick — vegetable peeler will make your life complete, flick flick–  folding ladder will let you escape from your burning inferno bedroom, flick flick news flash—–  responders rush to horrific car crash.  She saw exactly the same image as her dream, an identical car in the same place. A limp body is put into an ambulance.  “It cannot be” she screams. She rushed upstairs to check on her loved one but the only thing under the covers is the pair of pillows she hugs when he is away.  She runs back downstairs and catches the end of the broadcast.  “police say the driver was taken to hospital in a critical condition”. She is convinced that the car in her dream and on the news is her husband’s.  She decides to phone the hospital, as she picks up the phone she sees the outside security light flash on.  A police car is outside and a uniformed figure is walking up the driveway.  She knows this must be bad news. “please god no, don’t let this happen…..”.  The doorbell rang loudly, she froze in fear.  A voice called out “good morning darling”  Her mind was confused. ” Did you sleep well?  She rolled over and saw her husband holding a breakfast tray.  It was all a big bad dream.  She tried to mask her heart pounding by stretching and yawning.  She kissed him sweetly, no need for his good deed to be disrupted by her bad dream experiences.   She sat up as he got into bed with their breakfast feast.  Pouring the tea into a welcome mug she thanked god for not taking him.  She listened to his sexy voice telling him he loved her,  she smiled and looked into his eyes.   He smiled back and said to her  “I had this awful dream last night honey,  you were in a bad car wreck and the police came here to tell me.. Hey watch out you are spilling that tea…..”

Prisoner of silence

I suggested music

Wake up the day

With some cool jazz

Shake to something funky

But she said no

she wanted silence

No sounds

No talking

So I entered the prison of silence

Left my power of speech at the door

Staring at blank walls

Listening only to my thoughts

Trying to understand

Why she banished me here

Sentenced to endure

The emptiness of nothing

Avoiding eye contact

We both recoiled 

Determined not to acknowledge

The other’s existence

It became a contest

A battle of wills

Waiting for the other person

To break the silent spell

Time slowed down

A ticking clock set the rhythm

I started counting

100 ticks and more

I could wait no longer

I pulled her to me

A forced kiss

She melted in my arms

I held her tight

Music filled the room

We danced out of the silent prison

Vowing never to return

A wilted rose will never again be a flower in bloom

You say you want to be friends

I don’t need to remember the pain

Of a broken relationship

Which can’t be fixed

By a friendship bandage

The friends I have now

Love me unconditionally

I don’t need a new friend

Who used to love me more

We once crossed that sacred friendship line

To become eternal lovers and soulmates

Until you decided to walk away

A wilted rose Will never again be a flower in bloom