Category: Anthropomorphism

Invasion of the weeds- Part 2

Ian Hunter1 Comment
Creeping weed

The weed in the middle started talking more

You have too get me out of here quickly, before the others kill me

His voice sounded strained like he was being choked

I used a trowel to dig him up

His roots were entangled with the other weeds

I gently freed his roots and planted him in a small pot 

After giving him some water, I took him to a shady part of the garden to rest

Once he recovered he started talking again

Thank you for saving me, the other weeds were strangling my roots

I asked him why they were trying to kill him

We are not supposed to talk to humans, only other plants

I told him I am fighting a battle to control weeds in my garden

He replied you are not the only ones fighting a battle

There is a long running war between the flowers and the weeds

It goes back to the time when humans started cultivating 

Before then, all plants lived together in harmony

Until some of us were designated to be weeds and shunned from gardens

The flowers became arrogant and tried to push us out of their beds

Then humans started to hunt us down and destroy us as well

We had to fight back to survive

I was fascinated and asked him to explain more

I need to rest again now, can you give me more water please

I brought him water and left him to do more gardening

The weeds seemed to have multiplied even more

Perhaps it was my imagination getting the better of me it seemed like the weeds were harder to pull out of the ground, as if their roots were resisting

I thought one of them swore at me as I pulled him from the flower beds

I must have left my talking weed for only half an hour

When I returned to him he was crying out for help

A creeping vine weed was wrapped around him

He was being strangled

Red cushion breaks the code of silence

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The red cushion was resting peacefully

On the teal blue leather chair

A prime position in the room

To witness all that happens

I asked him boldly to tell all

He remained tight lipped

Refusing to break the honorable cushion code of silence

I offered him a stiff drink

In the hope it would get him talking

After three more he started to loosen up

He leaned close and in a low whisper said

They usually start drinking before dinner

He makes those cocktails way too strong

They switch to wine with dinner

Piling the dirty dishes in the sink

The poor dishes stay unwashed until late the next morning

Drowning in cold water

They usually stay up very late

Binging on Netflix into the wee small hours

The both drink scotch after dinner

Most nights they fall asleep watching TV

Usually she goes to bed first

She turns off the TV

Leaving him snoring

He crushes that poor yellow cushion

Who winces every time he slumps in the recliner

Eventually he drags himself to bed

Leaving the poor yellow cushion gasping for breath

I asked him if they ever behaved really badly

Oh you would never believe it

I have seen things go on that would make your hair curl

I filled up his empty glass

Hoping for him to reveal more

But he suddenly remembered his code of conduct

Shaking his red head in defiance

I sensed he was about to clam up

I asked if anybody else in the room might talk

He pointed to the carpet

With a strangle look of intrigue on his face he said

Just ask the carpet about that huge stain in the corner

Seeing how the other half live

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She switched on the vacuum robot

Then left the house for the day

The robot glided over the floor

While sweeping and suctioning

He sped towards the dining area

Bumping into a dining chair

Watch were you are going yelled the chair

The robot ignored the protests and kept sweeping under the table

Banging into every leg of the table and the chairs

He wandered off into the kitchen and kept bumping into the dishwasher

Back off yelled the dishwasher

The robot ignored all complaints

As he terrorized everything in the house

The sofa called a house meeting

All the other furniture huddled round

The appliances listened in

They all agreed that the delinquent robot had to go

They devised a plan

The carpet threw out a loose thread from a seam

Like a fisherman laying a line

The robot ran over the thread which quickly jammed his rollers

The robot was stuck on the edge of the carpet

Coughing and spluttering to try and dislodge the swallowed thread

The chair ran over and  kicked the stalled robot in the back

He shot across the room and crashed into a wall

The stool ran over and flipped the robot onto his back

The trash can spilled his contents all around the robot.

His wheels kept spinning until he ran out of battery

The owners returned a while later

They were shocked to find dents in the walls and trash everywhere

They blamed the robot

He was unplugged and put in a box 

That night the sofa called a house meeting

Good job everybody and hopefully they will bring back the maid

She was much more fun to hang with said the TV

The robot sat in his box fuming

The maid showed up the next day when the owners were out

She thanked all the furniture and appliances

Then she put the box with the robot out with the trash

She made herself a stiff drink and turned on the TV

What would you like to watch she asked then couch

Lets see HGTV please he answered

I like to see how the other half live said the chair

Party time for Olly the olive

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Olly the olive lived in a jar

He only came out at parties 

But most times went back in the jar

This evening he was out again

Next to Percy the peanut

Alongside Barry the breadstick

Close to Harriet the Humous

Olly had been here before many times

Olly warned Barry to watch out

The ladies are most likely to pick you up

They might dip you in Harriet

But they will hold onto you all evening

Olly told Percy his days were numbered

The guys always dive into the peanuts

Scooping dozens with their unwashed hands

If you do not get eaten this evening

You may well be coated in germs and get sick

Watch out said Olly here come the ladies

Sure enough they all went for the breadsticks

Barry saw his friends picked up one by one

The ladies all held their cocktails high in their left hand

The breadsticks stayed in their right hand

Used as a conversation conducting stick

Pointed towards other ladies across the room

Directing the gossip about those unfashionable dresses

Hang tight said Olly the guys are coming over now

Percy winced as unwashed grimy hand scooped up his companions

Hurling entire handfuls into their open mouths

Some peanuts bounced off faces and fell to the floor

They were soon crushed by overweight size ten shoes

They others had a quick ending in those beer fumed orifices

Harriet was appalled that some guys dipped a finger in her dish

These men are so uncouth she complained

This is just the start said Olly

Once the guys get drunk they eat just about everything

Olly watched Barry get snapped in two by a bearded drunk

His crumbs falling into a beer soaked beard

The last of Harriet was licked clean from her bowl by a very drunk man

Percy the peanut was the next to go

Leaving Olly and a few of his brothers and sisters

I think we are safe now said Olly

They are all heading towards the dinner table

We will soon be back in the jar

Until the next cocktail party

Closet life

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shirts hang around in a big gang

chatting about their adventures

where did you go last night

to the coolest restaurant in town

did he take you to work again

yes and its always the same old boring routine

laundry time is a nice swim

ending in torture by a hot iron

socks sleep in pairs in a dark drawer

they get split up when worn

go for long walks

get to watch tv on the couch

before sleeping on the bedroom floor

maybe spending weeks in the laundry basket

hoping to be reunited with their lost twin

sadly ending their life alone at the back of the drawer

underwear might seem a good gig

all shouting me me me when the drawer opens

but it always the same few who get picked

leaving the oldest behind in the dark

underwear is quickly covered up

hardly ever seeing daylight

except in those steamy romantic moments

where they might get trampled on a bedroom floor

jeans are the king of the closet

they get to see everything in life

walking driving relaxing hanging out in bars

the favorite pair can be chosen virtually every day

even when old and frayed they still get worn

never going out of fashion

they bond with their owner

over time accommodating his expanding waistline

Tableware abuse and rescue

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He loaded the dishwasher

but did not run it

soon after the door closed

they started talking

the plates complained of not being rinsed

you can tell when she is away

he leaves all that food on us

I hate feeling so yucky

the forks joined in

he just throws us in randomly

but she always puts us tines up

I hate being upside down

the cups were crying

he never wipes off the tea ring stain

it won’t come out in washing

he will put us away stained

the plastic cups were inconsolable

we shouldn’t even be in here

she always hand washes us

we will melt and die they screamed

after many uncomfortable days

the overloaded dishwasher finally ran

thank goodness said the knives

soon we will be back in the drawer

when the drawer closed they chatted more

the spoons were furious

we don’t live in this drawer

quiet everybody!….I can hear she is back home

the drawer opened

she apologized profusely to everybody

as they all went back in the dishwasher

they were all tines up happy again