Category: aliens

I am an EDWIFTHLIMPAEMIC

Ian HunterLeave a comment
Photo by Aaditya Arora on Pexels.com

I was born and educated in England where I started my career

Always considering myself to be British, more specifically English

My dad was born in Scotland so I do claim to be Scottish by heritage

Especially on Robert Burns’ birthday each year when I wear the family tartan in full highland dress

When I moved to France for work, I had a European passport

I considered myself a European back then

For the last 22 years I have lived in the US and been a US citizen for most of that time

Whilst living in the US, I witnessed Britain leaving the European Union

My European passport was replaced by a British passport

So what do I consider myself to be now?

A dual citizen of the UK and USA?

A British/American?

An English/American?

An Anglo/American?

A Scottish/American?

Pan Atlantic?

An Ex-Euro American?

A European refugee perhaps?

A Mid- Atlantic Mutt?

Or maybe just ‘International’ because that sounds so more James Bondish

Come to think of it, why do I need to have a country label at all?

I initially viewed countries as places where you were born and stayed all your life

Having been on this planet for almost seven decades

My view of countries has evolved significantly

Counties are just arbitrary lines drawn on a map to define places to either defend or go to war against

Next time I am asked to introduce myself at a social gathering

I shall proudly declare “I am an EDWIFTHLIMPAEMIC”

My detailed explanation will be

I am an Earth Dweller Who Is Fortunate To Have Lived In Many Places And Experienced Many Interesting Cultures

What do you consider yourself to be?

Er

Ian HunterLeave a comment

Forever ruler

Accomplished fooler

Pathetic tooler

Forever crueler

Standing stooler

Pathetic pooler

Somatic smooler

Samalic drooler

demonistic disemboweler

Drunken pooler

Googalistic doer

Fabulastic booler

Nabulistick brewer

Wordalistic doer

Twisting screwer

Ballistic mooer

Mystic construer

Religious doer

Deniably bluer

irresistibly erer

er er er er erer

Sleep Trek

Ian HunterLeave a comment

 The final frontier

These are the voyages of the Sleepship Dreamerprise

Its continuing mission

To explore strange new worlds

To seek out new life and new civilizations

To boldly dream where no one has dreamt before

Cue the cheesy music

And you are off

On an eight hour voyage

That can cover light years

Powered by impulse engines

Fueled by your imagination

Traveling at warp speed factor loud snore

Scotty runs the engine room

I cannae hold it much longer Captain

He tells you in his fake Scottish accent

Mr Spock has funny pointy ears

He speaks in endless boring ruminations

On the nature of humanity

And whether we will overcome our differences

To reach the end of our dreams

Mr Sulu is at the helm

Ready to take your dream

 Wherever you command

It may be scary or wildly erotic

It will certainly be unbelievable 

McCoy is your chief medical officer

He will fix you up if you get hurt

With his blinking magic wand

Uhura is your communications officer

She can understand any alien language

She wears a ridiculously short mini skirt

Suddenly an alien dreamship appears

Its those ugly Klingons again

They pretend their ship is invisible

By throwing a cloak over it

But you know all their tricks

You beam aboard for a confrontation

To tell them you will never meet their demands

When they go for their weapons

You reach for your flip phone and yell

Beam me up Scotty

Then the bloody alarm clock wakes you up

Alien abduction at the dentist office

Ian Hunter3 Comments

I was supposed to go to the dentist during the pandemic

they completely closed down their office for a while

once it reopened I nervously made my way there

hopefully for just a checkup and a cleaning

my instructions were to park outside and call the office

we will come and get you when we are ready said the receptionist

I scanned the parking lot to see masked drivers waiting in other vehicles

the vehicle in the corner was completely covered in a tarp

I hope he did not die waiting I thought to myself

soon a figure appeared at the door dressed in a blue spacesuit

she called my name and I followed her inside

she was wearing a surgical mask and a helmet designed for a welder

my name is Stacey and I am going to take your temperature now

the blue suited spacewoman pointed her ray gun at my forehead

I wondered if her ray gun was a mind control machine

we can go this way now she announced behind her mask

her voice was soft and muffled and she had pretty eyes

in fact that was the only visible part of her entire anatomy

I was soon in the chair maskless and feeling vulnerable

she tried to put me at ease with polite conversation

I love your accent where are you from she asked

England I replied as she dimmed the lights and flipped down her welding visor

her eyes were no longer visible and a bright light emitted from her forehead

this cyclops alien was about to enter my body through my mouth and abduct me

with incredible dexterity she used one hand to hold my mouth wide open

while the other hand poked around my molars with a power washing wand

my mind raced asking myself was this really a dental hygienist or was she an alien

perhaps collecting the rare metal from my fillings to repair her crashed spaceship

the one hidden under the tarp in the parking lot outside

she surprised me by continuing the conversation from earlier

what part of England are you from she enquired

unable to talk properly with all her fingers and instruments in my mouth

I was verbally handicapped and could only pronounce the vowels

I blurted out I….E…. OO

oh Liverpool she said the home of the Beatles

no human could have possibly understood what I was trying to say

she was definitely an alien reading my mind

her spacecraft was still under that tarp when I left the office

I decided it was best not to tell anyone that I had just been abducted by aliens at the dentist