Diary of a first responder

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there is a lot to do at the firehouse between calls

equipment checks, cleaning apparatus, housekeeping and training

we had just finished washing the ambulance when the dispatch radio erupted

“Paramedic 16, chest pains……and the address”

I climb into the driver’s seat and fire up the engine

open the bay doors

flick on the emergency lights

check my partner is belted up before we start rolling, and hit the sirens to warn passing traffic

my partner wrestles with the onboard computer

she verifies the address and confirms the fastest route

I know where to go but there is always some anxiety when responding

will we hit traffic? will we find the location rapidly? where is the best entrance to the building?

my partner reads the dispatch notes on the computer

69-Year-old female, chest pains, breathing normally, sitting in her lounge

we have to cross the city through heavy traffic

sirens blazing, my partner keeps switching the tones to alert drivers that we are behind them

some cooperate and pull over, some don’t see us and block our path, others panic and swerve erratically in front of us

it’s a fine balance driving an emergency vehicle with lights and sirens

we want to avoid delays in getting to the patient but we don’t want to be in our own accident

I stop at every red light and make sure drivers around me know I am creeping through

often drivers cross my path at intersections, oblivious to our presence

how can you not see a big red truck blazoned with flashing lights?

how can you not hear the loud sirens just a few feet away?

well you can miss them easily with modern cars being almost soundproofed

and drivers filling the interior with loud music or checking their cell phone

I weave through the scattering cars

squeezing through gaps just a tiny bit wider than my side mirrors

then we find a break in the traffic and speed on to our destination

my partner yells above the siren “next left and its the third house on the right”

I pull up, turn off the sirens

we always leave the engine running at a call

there are a lot of things to do and we must do them rapidly

fortunately, experience brings an orderly rhythm to what seems like total chaos from the outside

In neutral-check

parking brake on-check

hit “on Location” on the computer-check

zero the trip meter to measure the transport distance-cCheck

surgical gloves on -check

portable radio on -check

my partner has already climbed out and grabbed the monitor from the back

she turns round to yell “ airway bag” in my direction

I acknowledge her and grab the bag following her up the path and through the front door

I pause to scan the room for potential hazards, our personal safety is of prime importance

no sign of weapons, no sign of a struggle, we are cool

an elderly husband stands next to his wife, she is sitting on the couch looking distressed

my partner exudes calmness as she asks questions of both the husband and the wife

she quickly gathers a picture of what has been going on before we arrived

no cardiac history and she was not exerting herself, the pain in her chest is crushing

during the interrogation, I have been firing up the monitor and stuck leads on the patient

a few moments later we capture data on her oxygen levels, her blood pressure and can see her heart rhythm

my partner looks at me and says “stemi”

that is our code for a heart attack, we need to work fast

I run outside and bring the stretcher to the door while my partner helps her walk to the entrance

we quickly load her onto the stretcher, still attached to the monitor

the stretcher is fully automatic, raising and lowering with the touch of a button

I hook it to the arm extending out of the back of the ambulance and lock it in

the wheels lift up and I slide the stretcher inside

this is our office, we can work faster in this cramped space

my partner starts to get a line while I prep the saline flush

I hook up a 12 lead for a full heart monitor and my partner gives the lady aspirin and nitro

I check her blood sugar and give my partner the vials for blood sampling

while doing all this I start to visualize exactly where we are and determine the fastest route to the hospital

my partner glances over at me and her eyes flick toward the cab

this means its time for me to drive to the hospital

I step out the side door and notice the husband in his car behind me, his engine running

“sir, please don’t follow me to the hospital, I will be crossing red lights and I don’t want you to get into an accident”

I climb into the cab, updating the computer that we are en route to the hospital

light and sirens are on as I weave through traffic

I drive as smooth as possible so my partner can work safely in the back

no heavy braking, no fast turns, but a safe fast pace

I turn off the lights and sirens as we pull up at the hospital

update the computer to arrival status-check

read the trip meter to get the transport mileage for the report-check

parking brake on -check

radio on-check

in neutral-check

engine off-check

gloves on-check

portable radio on-check

I walk to the back, open the doors and pull out the stretcher

wheel the patient inside

my partner briefs the ER reception of our patient’s condition, and they assign a room for us

we wheel her down the corridor and transfer her into a bed

my partner gives a concise report to the doctor, he quickly acknowledges and takes over the treatment

we delivered a stabilized patient, our job is done, well almost

we have to sanitize everything and restock 

a report must be written documenting everything we did and the patient’s condition

I clean the rig and get all the equipment and supplies ready for the next call

we cannot be short of vital equipment 

my partner completes the report and uploads it to the hospital computer

we are ready for the next call and update our status on the computer

I start driving back to the station, no need to rush

we chat about the call, decompressing after forty-five minutes of intense action

we reflect on what went well and what we could have done better

before we reach the station, the radio crackles

we recognize our call tones, stop talking and listen hard

“Paramedic 16.. trouble breathing,… address”

we take the call and update the computer

lights and sirens on

check the location and best route

we are rolling through heavy traffic, and my partner interrogates the dispatch notes on the computer

adrenalin rushes through my veins, I breathe deep, staying calm and in control

we do all this nine times over in a 12-hour shift

BBC News

Impregnated by aliens

My brother is a vampire

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Freddie Star ate my hamster

The man with two heads

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

I lived inside a whale

The earth stopped spinning

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Jesus is on FaceBook

Teach yourself to levitate

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

She ate her husband

Make wine from chicken poop

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

House built in fifteen minutes

Homicide victims speak out

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Porn star got rear ended

I married a great dane 

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Golf course on a frozen lake

Homelessness eradicated

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Salad dressing cures cancer

It rained frogs

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Baby flies to moon and back 

Postpone your death indefinitely 

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Pony wins lottery

Trees blamed for global warming

It must be true

It was on the BBC news

Morning list

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I do love mornings

Start of a new day

Yesterday’s troubles left behind

A chance to start afresh

Plan the day

Set bold objectives

Share exciting ideas over breakfast

The possibilities are endless

Have another cup of tea

Extra toast with marmalade 

Breakfast goes too long

But there is lots of day left

Waste time with a long shower

Can’t decide what to wear

Pull clothes out of the laundry pile

Make another cup of tea

Check emails on the computer

Waste more time on FaceBook

Click on stupid links

My tea went cold

Too early for lunch

Cake is a good mid-morning snack

I can start the diet tomorrow

Eat more cake

Thinking of taking a walk

But it’s raining

Maybe somebody had emailed me

Waste more time browsing

Almost lunchtime now

Leftovers look good

Must eat them to prevent a science experiment

Look out the window for ages

Morning is over

Cross more things off today’s list

Check my emails again

Take a long nap

Mid-afternoon tea time

Eat a whole packet of cookies

Feeling sick

Check emails then lay down

Thinking about dinner

Nothing exciting in the fridge

Check my emails again

Order a pizza

Cross more things off the list

Check FaceBook again

Nothing exciting happening

Pizza guy rings the doorbell

I promised myself to only eat half

Then I ate another slice

Crossing more things off the list

Eat the last slice while checking emails

Getting dark outside

Reschedule walking for tomorrow

Turn the TV on

Waste three hours watching mindless shows

Time for bed soon

Too tired to brush my teeth

Check my emails in bed

Fall asleep holding the phone

Wake up at 3am

Nothing exciting on Facebook 

Nobody emailed me

Tearing up yesterday’s list

No early release for good snowbird behavior

Blustery winds howl 

Surf crashes on the beach

Sand blows everywhere

No sunbathing today

A lonely beach umbrella

Stands upright with fabric flapping

Braving the elements

A symbol of defiance

Snowbirds stay indoors

Telling stories of gruesome northern winters

Pretending to enjoy a Florida winter storm

Oh look at the pretty white surf

Red tides bring toxic winds

People coughing and wheezing

No escaping from discomfort

Paying top rental prices to be poisoned

Crazy folks go bike riding

Enjoying a freewheeling tailwind

Before turning around

Pedaling hard to stand still

A brave soul walks the beach

Microdermabrasion masochist 

Salt spray and sand obscure windows

Nobody laying poolside today

Let’s spend the day doing chores

Laundry and buying groceries 

The raging sea boils faster

Daytime TV is so lame

Condos become prison blocks

Snowbirding inmates doze inside

Waiting for a sunshine parole

No early release for good snowbird behavior 

time to get up

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Time to get up

It’s 5.15 am

What an ungodly hour

Sleep a bit more

Time to get up

It’s 6.23

Still dark outside

Sleep a bit more

Time to get up

It’s 7.54

Missed my fitness class 

Sleep a bit more

Time to get up

It’s 9.46

Cold and raining outside

Sleep a bit more

Time to get up

It’s 11.36

Almost lunchtime

Sleep some more

Time to get up

It’s 5.20am

That was all an alarm snooze dream

Getting up now

Make a list

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when you have a big task ahead do you first make a list

a shopping list for the grocery store

a packing list before a vacation

listing the steps of a major project

a wedding gift list

the list is endless

when I start a new list I am always intensely excited

I visualize  myself steadily advancing the new project

the blank page soon fills up as my list grows

recording each step along the way as a new item on the list

then my emotions change to guilt

why am I writing a list rather than actually doing the work

I reluctantly leave the list to start doing the job

I soon get weary and look for an excuse to escape

discovering a task that I forgot to put on the list

its the perfect reason to be back in list land

I am so comfortable updating my list in cosy list land

I try to convince myself that the job is still progressing

I spend longer periods working and less time on the list

the job progresses but my list feels neglected

I start to ignore the list and do tasks not even listed

my list feels rejected and cheated

in a fit of remorse I later add the missing tasks to the list 

then immediately mark them as completed

keeping my list happy becomes just as important as doing the job

then I hit a big snag on the job and I get very frustrated

an important step has been overlooked

the job snarls at me saying do not blame me

its your fault for not putting it on the list

my least claims innocence saying its my responsibility to update the list

my list and the job refuse to speak to each other 

I finish the job in silence without updating the list

I convince myself I never needed the list anyway

it was just a distraction to keep me from actually working

I tear up the unfinished list in disgust

then I make a list of all the pending jobs that must be done without a list

reflections of overindulgence

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if you are feeling fat

pull out your yoga mat

stretch into your favorite pose

meditate about a beautiful rose

if you are feeling fat

pretend you are a 9 lives cat

rebirth and be you again but thin

old clothes you will fit in

if you are feeling fat

look at but don’t eat that

hunger will be your friend

your waistline will no longer extend

if you are feeling fat

wear a really big hat

especially if you are tall

the hat will make your belly look small

if you are feeling fat

and wishing your belly was flat

cut out all carbs and sugar

stop being a silly bugger

if you are feeling fat

you must learn to be good at

putting less into your pie hole

just eat from a smaller bowl

if you are feeling fat

and you don’t mind that

keep eating all you see

be a whale outside the sea

if you are feeling fat

like an overfed bloated wombat

change your lifestyle soon

eat your meals with a tiny spoon

Clouds

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I am really quite fond of the clouds but today they are in an angry mood, rushing along with great purpose not pausing to smile.  Maybe they don’t like being bowled along by the wind and much prefer to bask in a gentle breeze. Come to think of it, I would rather float in a warm pool than be swept away by a raging torrent.

I suspect the clouds are now hundreds of miles away catching their breath and chatting about their crazy roller coaster adventure rides. They swap horror stories about the poor clouds that got ripped apart in the high winds. The rich clouds pay for gentle winds to blow them to shelter away from the dangerously high winds. The poor clouds cannot afford protection and throw themselves to the mercy of the elements. 

The Buddhist clouds are practicing reincarnation, depositing their moisture as rain which will one day evaporate into new baby clouds with voracious appetites for vapor. The baby clouds grow into huge fat fluffy clouds. They hang out in groups chatting, drinking telling stories, and having fun. 

Suddenly the hells angel’s dark clouds roar into town pushing the other clouds around. Soon the sky is full of hells angels clouds getting drunk and looking for trouble. Just for kicks, they fire up their Harley Davidson Thunder machines and blast people below. They shoot their lightning ray guns down aiming to destroy anything on the ground in mischief. The sheriff clouds race in and disperse the hells angels pushing them back far away. 

Clear blue skies invite the fluffy clouds to come and float in safety. The first cloud pops up as a scout and puts a safety message on the fluffy clouds’ FaceBook page. Social cloud media soon fills the sky with trendy upwardly mobile high income childless clouds. They snort cocaine and float over cool Caribbean islands.  They live meaningless lives and add no value to the planet.

Meanwhile across the globe millions of worker clouds get up early every day and receive their work orders. “Go float over there and give those folks some welcome shade.”  “Now get in formation to create a spectacular sunrise.”  They work long days for little rewards, and the older ones go to nursing home clouds to be ignored and neglected. The angel of death cloud hangs over them.

I have lived most of these cloud lives, right now I am a Sheriff Cloud bringing law and order but someday I will be floating in a nursing home cloud dreaming about the days when I played hide and seek with the other kid clouds.

Boating is fun, so they say

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they say that boaters only have two happy days

the day of purchase and the day the boat is sold

in between its just something that makes a big hole in the water

and an even larger hole in your wallet

some say that BOAT is not really a word

its an acronym for Bring Over Another Thousand

maybe its best never to own a boat at all

just make friends with somebody who owns one

I have been a boat owner for almost a decade

never daring to dwell on the negative aspects of boating

towing kids on a tube is a blast

anchoring up for a sunset cocktail is divine

when the weather is nice boating is pure fun

smooth rides in gentle swells are such a pleasure

swimming off the back or maybe drift and fish for your dinner

then cruise to a dockside restaurant to eat professionally caught fish

getting the propellor mangled in a submerged crab pot was a pain

hours spent tracing electrical faults were frustrating

having to get towed home with a jammed starter was costly and embarrassing

nobody really enjoys scrubbing and waxing an aging boat for three full days

strong winds make boating a total farce

who wants to be buffeted and bounced constantly while underway

maneuvering becomes the battle you never wanted to fight

losing patience is inevitable after twelve attempts to dock onto your boat lift

long term boaters have selective memories

only recalling the greatest of boating days

with no biting flies, rain, or gales

nothing ever broke down and the boat was magically self-cleaning

this year I am determined to keep a boating diary

recording all the positives and negatives of boating life

meticulously registering every single dollar spent

before dropping the diary overboard at the season’s end

the naughty corner

in my first few weeks of school

I was punished for talking too much

the teacher put me in the naughty corner

I was slightly ashamed at first

then I figured it all out

it was a great place to be

you never got asked questions by the teacher

and the other kids thought you were bad ass cool

I visited the naughty corner often 

it was the best place to learn

no distractions from the other kids

something of a safe haven too

because the next level of punishment was the headmaster

the teacher would send kids there to be punished

the headmaster was the judge jury and executioner combined

no plea deals or excuses to save you from the whack of his cane

I opted for the naughty corner most days

sometimes we had a substitute teacher

when our regular teacher was sick

they always struggled to keep the class under control

I would literally throw myself under the bus for them

doing something outrageous to get their attention

finally being sent to the naughty corner

and things would then settle down in the class

after leaving school I missed the naughty corner

there was no such thing at the office

if you misbehaved at work they just fired you

but I almost got sent to the naughty corner at home once

for stopping at the pub after work and forgetting to buy what the wife needed

it was one of those Your dinner is in the dog dressing downs

decades later I had almost forgotten about the naughty corner

a few days ago we were with a bunch of friends 

having a light buffet-style meal at a house before a concert

everybody sat at the table to eat except for Ed and myself

with no room at the table we opted to sit and eat in the corner

when somebody asked what we doing over there I just had to say it

we have been sent to the naughty corner