The light switch

the light switch flicks on

to bathe me in light

and will equally switch off

to plunge me into darkness

always obedient

never judgmental

totally dependable

the light switch never lets me down

patiently waiting

happy in either state

non discriminatory

welcomes anybody to operate it

then came the smart switch

voice operated by Alexa

void of human touch

this switch has a brain

to control its actions

but brains can be unreliable

they don’t always hear what is actually said

Alexa turn on the bedroom light I command

I don’t know that skill she answers

I tell her she is not so smart

she thanks me for the feedback

I start to curse Alexa

as she gives me really smart answers

but the light stays off

in desperation I unplug the smart switch 

revert to manual control

the light switch lives again

forgiving my foray into the smart world

obeying every flick of my finger

without ever answering back

smarter than a smart switch

I love my light switch

53 years of hiding in the garage

I thought about going for a bike ride

then the rain started

She brought out her honeydo list

the rain came down heavier

after a while I got near the end of her list

It was still raining hard

she added more things to her list

the heavy rain continued

a flash flood alert on my phone

the heavy rain continued

never-ending honeydo alert in my mind

suddenly the rain stopped

the back yard was flooded

the flash flood alert was extended

too risky to take a drive into town

the rain started again

I went into the garage for some tools

It was real stay in your man-cave weather

I turned on the TV in the garage

70’s rock videos drowned out the sound of the rain

I decided to sit in her Mini Cooper S

the yard flooded more

My first car was a Mini back in 1972

I turned up the TV volume

Led Zeppelin took me back to my youth

I don’t remember it raining so much back in those days

the sun shone all summer long

I drove my Mini everywhere back then

it was my little 70’s chick magnet

finally the rain stopped

steam started rising from the roadway

the flooding out back started to subside

memories flooded my mind

Deep purple sang “Smoke On The Water”

I was eighteen when that song came out

the garage door opened and she stood in the doorway smiling

how long have you been hiding in here? she asked

Since 1972 I replied

it must have been raining for 53 years

Put some travel in your belly

I have been so fortunate to travel extensively

exploring many places and seeing spectacular sights

tasting some incredible food along the way

the pandemic put a big damper on all travel

I had to find other ways to satisfy my travel urges

travel documentaries are fun but its not the same as being there

I seem to gravitate toward travel shows with a culinary theme

then the penny dropped

I can still travel around the world while staying at home

I just have to eat my way to different places

some nice fresh sushi sends me to Japan

moussaka magically has me mingling in Greece

nasi goreng has me noodling around Indonesia

swedish meatballs send me to Sweden

a rice and beans dish races me to Mexico

pho floats me all the way to Vietnam

pizza and ice cream puts me firmly in Italy

Irish stew with a Guinness has me shipped to Ireland 

kibbeh kicks me over to Lebanon

ceviche has me salivating in Peru

I can sip a fine port and be pondering in Portugal

a spicy chicken vindaloo curry whisks me off to India

magret de canard with a glass of Bordeaux makes me go to France

tapas takes me straight to Spain

moules frites has me mulling around Belgium

doner kebab delivers me to Turkey

poutine has me plodding around Canada

hot dogs heroically have me habitating in USA

Peking duck propels me to China

roast beef dinners religiously deliver me to England

haggis and a fine single malt heave me all the way to Scotland

pad Thai puts me perfectly into Thailand

dim sums deliberately drive me to Hong Kong

when my travel belly gets really big and pendulous

I check myself into solitary confinement for some dreary travel free dieting

Why men hate shopping with their partner

Men like to shop fast  

Planning their attack 

Like a hunting expedition

Identifying the prey in advance 

A quick territorial raid

Then a swift kill before a rapid retreat

Women prefer to shop slowly

Making long lists in advance

But stopping to browse at everything

Picking things up to feel, smell and shake them

Often changing their minds

Buying groceries is akin to picking berries in a field

How long will a man stay calm

When shopping with his partner

Usually half an hour at most

Boredom is replaced by frustration

He will typically seek an escape

I’ll wait for you in the car honey

Most couples shop individually

Wives left to browse the aisles alone

Husbands at home shop on line

Thats the beauty of Amazon

Its available whenever a man wants

Watching football and killing a shirt at half time

The wife lugs bulging bags back home

While he watches the end of the game

She expects praise for her thrifty gatherings

Holding up each item with reverence

Look at this great shirt I got for you honey

He stabs his phone and secretly cancels the Amazon shirt  

Spinach and speedos

I just finished

All my spinach

Been a tussle

Growing muscle

Wannabe a tough guy

Biceps like Popeye

Despite the toil

Limbs like Olive Oyl

Its a mortal sin

Arms stayed so thin

Belly is fat

Instead of flat

Mr Universe dream

Ran out of steam

Fat ass now on couch

500 reps of slouch 

Diet stuck in first gear

Open another beer

pass the remote

Snacks down throat

Wearing loose clothes

Over my speedos

A piece of colored fabric on a pole

imagine a piece of colored fabric on a pole

not very powerful objects you might think

but if they are of a certain shape and color they can

instill patriotism to an entire nation

be a symbol of pride freedom

announce a pending attack by pirates

declare a total surrender in battle

signal an infringement in a soccer match

locate the position of underwater scuba divers

stop an American football game for a penalty

strike fear over those conquered in battle

show a supporter’s allegiance to his favorite sporting team

mark the hole on a golf course

signal the end of a motor sports race

declare a beach unsafe for swimmers

inspire men to lay down their lives in war

be the focus of a remembrance ceremony

honor the passing of somebody

advertise a product or service

communicate by semaphore

a flag is so powerful yet its only a piece of colored fabric on a pole

She will have to go

beds are great for sleeping

you can wriggle around and get cosy

toss that extra pillow away

tear off the blanket if you get too hot

once asleep you can dream 

its your own escape world

anything is possible in your dreams

but all dreams have a finite life

I snap back to reality when I wake up

I get up and look at the bed with disdain

wrinkled sheets and crumpled  blankets

discarded pillows scattered all over the bedroom 

no this is not a dream

its that daily ritual that is such a boring chore

I have to make the bed again

once crisp smooth sheets 

refuse to give up their wrinkles

like aged grandmothers who forever lost their once smooth looks

the fitted bottom sheet has jumped off in the night

it must have shrunk 

I can never get it back as before

I have to keep walking around the bed

to line up the other side 

again and again and again and again

I do not want to walk all these miles before breakfast

I really only need one pillow for sleeping

so why must I decorate the bed with ten more

finally the bed is made and the chore is done

I feel weary enough to climb back in again

will somebody please invent a self making bed

one that automatically changes the sheets every week

I dream of waking up and looking at my messed up bed

then shouting ALEXA….MAKE THE BED

I actually asked her today

she gave me that annoying response

I am sorry I do not have that skill

ALEXA…HIRE A MAID TO MAKE THE BED

I am sorry I do not have that skill

she will have to go

The amorous owl

darkness shrouds the bay late evening

the marsh settles down to sleep

intense blackness amplifies every sound

footsteps of a deer leaving the forest

seeking out green pastures to graze

birds have settled down to roost

small mammals find shelter and rest

raccoons come out to play in gangs

looking for mischief like unruly teenagers

suddenly an owl hoots

hoot hoot

deadly silence follows his call

potential prey seek deeper cover

fearing this nocturnal hunter may attack

the raccoons briefly pause

they know an owl can take them down

the owl hoots again

hoot hoot

a second owl answers his call

hoot hoot 

hoot hoot

She is saying I am over here

I am coming to visit you he hoots

hoot hoot

hoot hoot

the raccoons burst into laughter

fits of raccoon giggles over amorous owls

Suddenly the owl swoops by

raccoons all run for cover in panic

the owl flies on towards his mate

he knows he can find food later

he has other plans right now

deer continue nocturnal grazing totally unabashed

hoot hoot

hoot hoot

the delinquent raccoon gangs decide to call it a night

Don’t throw away all the memories*

his wife was complaining about all his stuff in the attic

he reluctantly decided to go through all the old boxes

stuff that had been put away for years

obviously not needed but for some reason never been discarded 

he sifted through the contents of the first small box

a tin box full of foreign coins

memories of his traveling days flooded back

places he had visited on business trips and vacations

images flashed through his mind for each coin he touched

an old watch that no longer worked

it was of no value except it belonged to his father

he wound it up and it started to tick

he could hear his father’s voice again

he missed him so much

a notebook from many years ago

containing wish lists of things to do and places to see

they had written it when first married

he read off each item slowly

pausing to recall the joys of each achieved wish

trying to remember why some never happened

bunches of keys from previous dwellings

he held a front door key tightly

remembering opening that door many years ago

seeing his young children run to greet him

they are grown now with kids of their own

a big old bulky calculator he used in college

reliving the hours he spent solving problems with that

the stressful times of exams

he could remember all those long hours of study

he did find some bits and broken pieces

and a collection of old pens and pencils

he carefully put them in a paper bag

before closing the box

he had removed less than ten percent of the contents

over dinner that night his wife cornered him asking if he had cleaned out everything in the attic as promised

he hesitated before saying he had cleared some of it from one small box

she pushed him harder wanting to know why he was keeping all that junk

he insisted that it might be a small box of stuff but it contained a lifetime of great memories

she could see he was getting upset and gave him a big hug

whispering to him softly “I am so sorry, please keep your boxes full of memories”

he replied “thanks, I did clear some space for us to make a few more memories”

Tangier Island

Tangier Island sits quietly on the Chesapeake tide

Its houses held up by memories and hope

Crab pots rest where stories hide

And time moves as slow as a skiff in the fog

Voices still carry the old ways

A old English lilt of watermen worn and proud

No fancy hotels or bars

Island hospitality consists of a single air conditioned restaurant

Local food prepared and served by local people

A short walk reveals the Island family names in small cemetaries

The sea gives and eventually the sea taketh away

But for now Tangier Island sits and waits

Go see the place for yourself soon

Taste the local seafood and step back in time

Before its too late