Part 1 the full text, bold items translated in Part 2 below

John went to the pub last night, he met up with Dave for a few bevvies. 

They always have a good chin wag at the pub.  

After five beers, Dave offered to buy John a whisky but he said “No.”  Dave kept insisting so eventually John said “Go on then.” 

Lenny was at the bar having a skinful because of his newly arrived  grandson and he was wetting the baby’s head.  

By the end of the evening Lenny was totally legless and everybody was taking the piss out of him.  

Dave was totally gutted after the Saturday football results, he said that his team’s manager had totally lost the plot during the game.  

John said he found the game so boring on the telly that he took a kip instead of watching the second half.  

When he woke up, his moggy was laying on his stomach purring.  

“You need to get rid of that moggy” said Dave “He is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.”  

John said his misses was cheesed off again because he had not decorated the bathroom over the weekend as he had promised. 

 “You better pull your finger out soon” said Dave “Before she gets really pissed off at you.”  

John said “She wants us to go to Spain on Holiday this year, I am thinking of taking her camping in Wales instead and spend the rest of the holiday money on a new motorbike.”  

Dave laughed out loud, “That would certainly put a spanner in the works.”  

John laughed back “She is always whinging about something, I bet she will have the hump when I get home from the pub tonight.”   

Dave said his misses was always chuffed to bits when he got home.  

“She gets my dinner and lets me fall asleep in front of the telly with a beer afterwards.  

“She probably nicks all your brass while you sleep” said John.  

After the pub closed they walked home together, stopping at the chippy for some takeaway.  

Vinny pulled up outside the chippy in his vintage Morris Minor. 

Dave and John gave him a lot of stick for driving an old banger.  

“I have not seen one of those old rust buckets for donkeys years” said John.  

Vinny laughed at them saying ” I was going to give you both a lift but you have pissed me off now, I bet those chips will be soggy by the time you fat buggers stagger home in the rain.”

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Part 2 English phrases explained

Bevvies plural of a bevvy- an adult beverage

chin wag- when friends chat and gossip together

Go on then- OK you have convinced me

having a skinful – drinking alcohol to excess

wetting the baby’s head- celebrating the birth of a baby with a drink to two (babies heads are wetted during a christening ceremony)

Legless- Completely inebriated from excess alcohol consumption to the point where your legs cannot support your weight

taking the piss- making fun of something or somebody, can also mean taking liberties

Gutted- very upset indeed

lost the plot- over reacting when things go wrong

took a kip- took a nap or a short sleep

Moggy- a domestic cat

as much use as a chocolate fireguard- sarcasm when something is useless

the misses- the wife, AKA the Mrs.

cheesed off- mildly annoyed

Decorate- literally to paint or wallpaper the walls of a room, for Brits it does not mean adding furniture or items to change the entire decor of a room

pull your finger out- get focussed and finish the job with haste

pissed off- to be very annoyed

Holiday– Vacation

put a spanner in the works- an action that messes things up in the way that a spanner (wrench) dropped into a mechanical device would clog up the mechanisms

Whinging- crying and moaning

have the hump- to be in a bad mood

chuffed to bits- to be very excited and happy

Nicks- Steals

Brass- Money

Chippy- Slang for chip shop, a carry out establishment selling French fries and fried fish

Takeaway- Carry out food service

Morris Minor- A British family car produced my the Morris Motor Company 1948-1971

gave him a lot of stick- to criticize him incessantly

old banger- an old vehicle in poor condition

rust bucket – a very rusty old vehicle

donkeys years- a very long time

give you both a lift- give you both a ride in my vehicle

pissed me off- seriously upset me 

Chips- French fries, not to be confused with potato chips which are called crisps in Britain

Soggy- The Brits douse their French fries in salt and vinegar to add flavor. However, if not consumed quickly, the vinegar causes the fried potato to lose crispiness and become soft or “soggy”

Bugger- a despicable, annoying and troublesome person